Welcome

The sweetest thing ever happened today. It was raining. All mud and rain everywhere. And i wanted to buy some lemons. But didn't want to get out my car. So i parked next to the vegetable seller and asked him if he would give me some.  The vegetable seller's son brought them to me. I said "thank you". And he replied "welcome", with the sweetest smile. So did the vegetable seller. And i was filled with warmth. Faith in humanity magnified.

Hard choices

Hard choices are precious oppurtunities to celebrate the human condition. It is in the space of hard choices that we have the power to create reasons for ourselves to become the distinctive people that we are.

Reflect on which alternative you can put your agency behind, which one you can be for.

One is not better than the other, both are at par. But which one would suit you best, which one would you rather become, or be for.

I had to decide whether to take management seat or repeat a year. Would i rather be a child who uses her parent's money or someone who works hard. Would i rather waste one year of my life?
It is not that one option was better than the other. Both were at par. But i became the person who would rather not waste one year of her life. And boy am i glad i made that decision (that my parent's made that decision for me.)

I had to decide whether to spend my evening at the gym or studying. Would i rather be a fit girl or a smart girl taking into consideration that i already gym thrice a week and do not study even once a week. So would i rather be a girl for taking easy options or difficult ones. I weigh the pros and cons. And both seem at par. So rephrase, would i
Work out and relax my body and muscles and look forward to a relaxed evening of food and entertainment after a day of work OR
Study for my exam next year to gain knowledge for my career and answer well to my seniors and then spend some more time exercising.
What would you put your agency behind. Who do you want to become. Will you be a drifter. Will you take a choice you are not for.

So if i am for fitness and health but i decide to eat cake for an entire week, what does that make me? What will happen?
Someone is not integral. Someone who not in control of their life. Who letting life control them. Who is not the author of their life. But letting life be the author. And what is so wrong with that? I think it will put you in conflict. It puts your mind in conflict when you are not integral. And that is an pleasant feeling. And soon you will have deal with consequences of your choice. And you will not be prepared for those consequences. Because you were never 'for' that choice. And then you will be sad. And you will know that you have made the wrong choice.
Bingo.

#2 dancing and cleaning

My favourite playlist running. Me, all alone in my room in only bare essentials. I'm doing my chores. Dancing on between. Having a "good" time. Body well rested and well fed. I'm taking good care of myself. Truly blessed.

#1 sunday morning rain is falling

I have been on my bed for eleven hours now. It has been cloudy and rainy for days now. It is drizzling. The weather is pleasantly chill. I am super cosy in my soft blanket and pillows. I look forward to delicious food. And a day full of entertainment and enlightenment. Truly blessed. Thank you.

Romanticizing

I have come to believe that romanticizing is important in life. Anything and everything, you romanticize, and bang! It becomes beautiful. Think about it.
Today here I am, on a boring ICU duty. I hate it. I don't know what to do. I have never liked ICU duties. The patients are new to me. I have no connection with them or their diagnoses or their treatment. The ones I know, I love looking after them. But otherwise, which is mostly the case, I hate it.
So, I am sitting in the doctor's room, bored and lost.
But then I picture things like this, a beautiful girl, sitting in the doctor's room. Put on some sad piano score in the background. Watch her through the window as she turns on her laptop to do some studying or surfing. What a wonderful life she has. A killer career, youth, intelligence, love of family and friends...you name it. A scene out of a movie, no?
Change the perspective, romanticize, and life is magical.

Another week

Well what do i have to say about this week. Another week of my life.
What do i remember most about this week.
Our outing to the pub. My reaction to it.
Doing pediatric cases.
Mon.

Week in a nutshell

It has been a long time since i sat down and reflected on what has been going on in my life, most importantly, on what has been going on in my mind.
Our mind functions so fast and with such  automaticity based on our interpretations and beliefs and habits. We fail to see the truth so many times.
So i want to just stop for sometime, kind of like hitting pause on life, and just reflect.

This week, has been a good one.
My focus this week was on the guy at the  gym. My new hero. Very plainly put, i have a crush on him. So he has been 'making' my days. That also gives him the power to 'break' my days. But he has not done that so far.
My thoughts have been predominantly filled with him. I am just basking in this feeling. I know for a fact nothing serious is ever going to happen here.
It has been nice, looking good for him, chaning my times for him and all. I should not get carried away.

The thing that stressed me out the most this week was making the duty list for next month. I didn't know what i wanted and i wanted to be selfish. It was a mess. But i learnt my lessons.
1. Think ahead strategically. Make decisions and execute.
2. Know what you want.

I have been very conveniently ignoring studies. I notice how i just don't study if there is no pressure. Well, study. That is all i can say to myself.

Have i been feeling any negativity? I don't think so. Not on a consistent basis anyway. May be some frustration at work or some stress at a particular time or some frustration over time being wasted with friends. Basically i have been busy this week. And if your mind has food then it is not an empty vessel. And we know that empty vessels make most noise.

So, my week in a nutshell-

Monday - post call, pre holiday, alone, can't remember what i did in the ot, bought a cooler, ate Mc Donalds, was yum, was tired.

Tuesday - ADSIB, slept, ate chinese, couldn't sleep at night, acclimitizing to summer.

Wednesday - busy day, pediatric ot, can't remember specifically, ortho case went on into the evening, i was unjustly made to stay, gym, hot shower, good food, extremely tired.

Thursday - pre call, do not remeber ot, gym, he saw me in red top, felt so happy, good food, tired.

Friday - CALL. busy with cases and timetable. Learnt the importance of PAC. Tired. Slept.

Saturday - yesterday, urethroplasty, lap chole, lpj, learnt writing notes, gym, he saw me with wet hair, happy, out with friends, did not enjoy the company, but saw some live music, good food, tired.

Sunday - TODAY. CALL. Apprehension - will there be cases.

Some interesting questions i should ponder over -

1. Do i not consider worthy of luxuries?
2. Why do i need approval or acknowledgement from a hot guy for my beauty or worthiness.

Hopes squandered

So it is sunday evening and i want to talk about feelings.
My day was frustrating because i was hoping for a chill day and it was a heavy day. Lots of work. I am now hoping for a chill night. Hopes squandered. Leads to disappointment. And frustration.
Being aware of how your mind is working is so important.
Throwback to last sunday. I slept by 10 something. I was back from a trek. Last month i had so many adsibs. This month i have one. It's okay.
I feel uncertain today. This newness is getting to me.

I am not doing anything. First time i got some free time since morning. And i want to talk to myself.

Anyway friday night i had a lot of fun with friends. We ate good food, drank good stuff and had good talks.
Also on friday i did an abdominal lump pediatric laparotomy.
Then saturday was another hectic ot day. 2 cases on my own in ga. Was fun controlling them. Then the gym.

I seem to be having a lot of fun at the gym looking at that guy. Just love the way he looks.

This is how i spend my days. And this is how i spend my life. My life is beautiful.

Sialo

A tinge of disappointment, a tinge of fear, a tinge of stress and the balance tipping towards neutrality. That's how i would describe this feeling - Sialo.

I felt it this morning. It was peaceful...like i said, tipping towards neutrality. But there were things i was feeling or thinking at the back of my mind.
I had nothing to be happy about or excited about. I was not feeling anything positive.

Now the day has progressed. I felt an array of emotions since sialo.
It was a heightened sialo...all those - disappointment, fear, stress were more. Frustration was added. Satisfaction with self was added. And now here i am, feeling - hopeful (that my day will now be chill), wondering (what to do, what will be best to do), a tad lonely (i miss Savannah and our talks about love and life), a tiny bit of disappointment (that i have to work sunday). No more fear or stress. All tipping to neutrality. Because there is a level of acceptance.

How i live my days

So it began on monday.
Man i miss my sundays. It is like, come what may throughout the week but give me my sundays. But residency....
So on monday, it was a hectic day. Got me frustrated. Because i wanted to rest after the trek.
And then i made a big mistake on tuesday morning.
Faced it's music the entire day. Struggled with why don't i enjoy work more.
Fell asleep.
The next day was full of work. I would say this week was about learning to cope with toxic seniors.
Then came yesterday, it was work, gym and chill.
That was my entire week. Work, gym, chill...for the most part.
This is how i spend my days. And this is how i live my life. And i like it. I am doing super productive nobel work, i take care of my body, i eat good food.

Mon. chicken mayo sandwich; sections and abscesses
Tue. jagdamba; whipples
Wed. thalipeeth dhirda; drug overdose in a baby; back biceps
Thur. chicken chilly; incomplete reversal and pgp; legs
Fri. today; thinking of drinking; baby laparotomy

See, i spend my days beautifully. I love my life.

I am just thinking...what when i have a family...how will i spend my days then and will they still be this beautiful. I think they will more beautiful. Let us see. And let us not worry about it now. Now is beautiful.

Post trek

We started the trek. Freezing. Feeling little but excited. Just going forward.
The power of the moonlight stunned me. I did not know it could be this powerful. It was like....so bright. We didn't need torches.

So I'm back from a spectacular trek. Those landscapes and the bonfire. The maggi. The moonlight and stars and city lights. Those floating mountain ranges. That sunrise. Will forever be with me. Meeting new people too. Knowing about lives beyond the hospital.
What a physical test it is. What an example of how every step matters. Of how your breath matters. Of how amazing we humans are. And what we are capable of. Knowing you can do it. Increases self confidence. Proud of myself . look back and cannot believe i climbed it..that i was on the top..that is so so far. At the top cannot believe i came all that way. Super me. Treks really shape you up. I feel my muscles. Better posture. Physical self confidence. My body can take lots of stuff. It's the mind that needs to be strong.

I feel tired. Slight apprehension about tomorrow right now. Will it be cool. Can i stay home. I have to study too. Shhhh.. relax. It is not that scary and complicated. Listen to yourself.
You will make it through. You will have fun no matter what it is. And calls are fun and not to mention a great oppurtunity to study and do personal development. Thank god i have call tomorrow. It would have been a waste to study on a holiday. And i have pgp on tuesday.

Checking in

Right...i feel weird...lost...
Or so i think.
So i am here, in hope to get some clarity.
I am going to begin with -
What are you feeling right now?
I want to sleep.
I feel like i have many things to do but i am not doing anything.

Truth is?
I woke up...late. Got ready. Rushed to do cases. Did that. And have been working in the ot since then. The same. Tolerating some irritating colleagues. And finding getaways. Or more interesting things to so. Chilling that is my work. Boss.

Certainty...that is what I'm looking for. So let me rewind. Sunday...off day. Monday. Gym. Roll. Chill. Sleep.
Tuesday. Gym.
Wed. Call. With neha. Roll.
Thurs. Study only.
Fri. Chill. Gym.
Sat. Today.
It has been a good week. What am i thinking?
How come rewinding like this seems to help me. Just reninds me that am i doing shit. I am living. Not existing.

Today i will be going to a night trek today. I feel fear. As i do with everything. But i want to see how this goes. What difficulties i encounter and how i deal with them.
I also hope be fully present and emjoy the experience.

I feel like it's been ages since i gave self development some time. Hoping to make sunday about that.

Just had an insight - "Life is just that! About learning to enjoying the experience, whatever you are doing, and realizing it. That is why reflection is important. You need to realize what felt good and what didn't."

When i woke up

It was like - "i am awake, there is a section, something is wrong." I just decided it. I thought it and decided it was true and i felt it. Was anything actually wrong? No. I have a beautiful life. A beautiful family, loved ones, a superb career. I was on call. I even got sleep. Really. Nothing is or was wrong.
Right now...i feel excited about the day. How will it pan out. I am not on call today so i have some time to do other stuff. But i have to study for tomorrow. So, no. Looking forward to study.

Ah..life

Just feeling like letting out some steam.
Him. God. Everytime i remember the photograph of him and her, married, i feel weird...i can't describe what i feel. I can put down my thoughts though. "That could've been me. But may be it is for the best that it is not me. In fact i know it is best that it is not me.", "am i prettier than her?", "does he think about me at all".
I feel like all these are natural thoughts of mine. And i know they are immature. But i can't seem to not be able to think them. I also wish for him to be sad. Because he chose the rich girl. I would have done the same. But still, it makes him a coward and also un-wise. Overall, i think i am just going to force the yogi thoughts. Since they are not coming naturally. So..."they look good together, i think they will make a good couple. I hope he is happy." Man, that was forced. "He has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has done nothing that i myself wouldn't do. Just because things aren't working out for you doesn't mean you be jealous of others and wish ill for them. Grow up." Yes, he is immature. He did ignore me. And you reacted to that. Instead of communicating. It is on you too now. Communicating is hard for him too. Just know he did nothing wrong. He is immature. He just isn't meant to be a part of your life.

Coming to daily work. It is like. Run run run for your life or be scolded and be a slacker. Then be treated like a donkey. Do this and then do that. And then that and then that. And be scolded at for not doing anything very wrong. It is just some seniors who scold unnecessarily. Try to steal breaks. And return to room after this mayhem of scolds and rush and work with some more pending work and chores. And a wish to just relax.
How do i cope. I think it is a way of looking at it. And also some action is required. A combination of change of perception and action. Let's talk about action. Firstly reach on time. Do a pre op round. Then do your case. Help around in the ot. One thing after another. Finally do a post op and a pre op too if you have time. So yes, if you don't work which you should if you want to learn, you will be scolded. Be sincere and then you get the right to not tolerate other nonsense.
And a perception change being that it is not work work work and scoldings. It is doing cases and helping out in the ot.
I used to remind myself of my role models...kalyani and Ashwini maam. How they come to the ot and do cases and behave. Be like them.

I feel so guilty of not eaten right. Of eaten too much. Large portions. Need to enjoy food. And watch what I'm eating. Also cutting myself some slack. I am doing the best i can.

Making sense of "being in the photo"

I am still trying to sell it to myself. Why is being there better than looking at a stunning photograph of it? I feel...sheer awe at the beauty of the place looking at the picture. I feel...like it os too beautiful to be real. I feel...good when i see it.
What about when i am there...i feel pretty much the same......i feel the physical aspect of it...the added experiences of other sense...i also feel any physical discomfort that comes along with it...the 'getting there' experience plus discomfort is also there. I think...being there is an "experience" while looking at it's picture is...a dream...a fantasy...no...but...it's not an experience for sure. So what is it...it is just looking. Looking and feeling good vs feeling and feeling good. If that makes any sense. The latter is a more magnified feeling good but it comes with it's price. It also comes with growth. What do you want?
Do you want to feel good...do you know how good you are capable of feeling? Do you want to settle for looking and feeling good? That is the question. Do you want to settle?

Getting worked up and turning down

Stimulation is not bad, i realize. It is...well...activites...things that make our day and hence our lives. And in between the stimuli lies the "being with my thoughts". And that isn't bad or good or anything either. It is just thinking. Multiple thoughts of all varieties will pop up, come and go, ebb and flow.
The thing is...just being with thoughts can be uncomfortable if you have been with prolonged stimulation. And it is an important part. Because it is kind of an assessment or realization of the stimuli. Both are important. None is complete without the other, i feel.
Balance.
.....

I come into my room after a 36 hour shift...and my hand reaches for my cell phone to turn on music. It is almost like i can't take the silence after all the happenings. But i stop myself and just lie for a while, instead. Then after sometime, i feel "turned down". It's like that. Getting worked up and then turning down.
.....

......

Play of thoughts

I am the only one who feels this way. Do i think too much. Am i mad. Am i going mad.
Some of my thoughts-
This is different. I am not used to being in this room, at this time. It feels different.
What am i going to do for dinner.
Should i study.
I want to research mental health.
I want to watch a movie.
Tomorrow is monday, ot day.
Will he be there tomorrow.
I wanted to do some room chores.

I have been judging my thoughts. Mostly as bad.
I am not doing anything. I am just being with my thoughts. Different thoughts are coming and going.
I have nothing to be happy, going to rephrase that as excited for.
I have nothing to be sad about.
My mood is neutral.

It is like either you are doing some activity or you are not. When you are, it is no problem, you are lost in it. But when you are not, you are left, left with just your thoughts. And you can go interpreting them in many ways, you can go judging them.  Just be aware of this.

It was a good day, I'd say. Busy in it's own way. Need to work on my social skills. Need to study. But again chose not to today. Be aware of this too. You are willingly making a choice to procrastinate studies.

Once again, my mood is...no...i would say it has dipped. It is dipping into fear. Fear of being disturbed at night.
Do not fear my love. It is okay. Even if you are it is okay. You will make it.

Tomorrow morning; life purpose

Tomorrow morning, i know, i know myself, I'm going to wake up not wanting to wake up. Wishing to sleep in. Feeling like work is becoming too much. Truth is work is not too much. Sleep is a little less.
I can sleep earlier. That will make sleep an important priority. And for me it is. I should know this about myself.

Insight - " prioritize. Weigh the risk benefits. "

I was thinking about my life purpose. And i realized i needed some thinking to do. I need to see myself ten years from now, clearly. Yes, when i thought about this i was not doing anesthesia. It can be defined more so, now.

Insight

"Just stop and look around. Just look. Your life is pretty pretty damn amazing. Like something out of a mocie scene. Like art. Be grateful. Be happy. Realize."

Musings by Moi

"Every day, every moment is an opportunity to become a better version of yourself, to put yourself in a  supreme state of mind."

"Recognizing the problem and even before that recognizing your discomfort, that negative feeling, is the first step. Then comes the action to cure. And then comes the peace. Lest you wish to stay where you are, in the puddle of negativity. And trust me when i say, it is not a productive or pretty place to stay."

Took leave

Hello. So, where do i begin.
Should i begin with i am proud of taking steps out my the routine and out of the comfort zone to address my needs. It takes effort to address your needs.
Glad i took leave today to recharge myself.
Life has been in the fast lane with lots of calls and activities. I have been binge eating. I may be over acting, i realize.
Monday, was Savannah's birthday. But still i snuck in some personal activities. Round of applause.
Tuesday, i was on call. It was busy.
Wednesday, i was almost on call. Still snuck in some personal activities. Round of applause again.
Thursday, i fell ill. Rested.
Friday, that is today, asked for me time, took leave. Will leave for call soon.

Felt fearful of this beautiful time coming to an end. But a change of perception after quick identification of faulty thinking pattern and a reminder of the sheer truth, put me in my place.

I would like to work from a peaceful state of mind. You know, calm and composed and working. Using the adrenaline to, shunting it to increase focus. But staying calm. And focused to increase action speed.

It has been a long tine since adsib. Miss it.

Sick

So tired, sore throated, sleepy.....
Change of posting today. Didn't see Valentin today morning. Mind went on story telling mode.
Did cross paths with him though. It was like he was some stranger.
Crushing on JP. Cooper's September Song.
Need some me time.
Lots of negativity today. I want a break. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to rest. But i have to. Is it more physical or mental. Both are connected no doubt. Both are there.
Knowing what to do...is the trick. Seeking the truth is the trick.
I don't want to share my things with her. But when she has something i hope she will share it and she happily shares it.
Stress.
"Not fair. Just share it."
"Ughh.." and pull away from her. Talk less to her.

Can my parents stay with me forever? I miss them. But i can't go to them because they are also toxic. But there is so much love here. So deep. Unquestionable.

Eyes little heavy.
Nose partially blocked.
Throat hurts.
Body lethargy.
Sleepy but not comfortable to sleep.

My diet is a cause of concern. I am eating too much. And all the wrong things.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Tomorrow i will eat better.
I will...no...
I have a fine psychology. I look through the positivity lens.

What an opportunity to learn how to work in a relaxed mind state...a calm mindset.

Wassup

Everytime i remember the beach trip i am filled with happiness. The beach, the stars, the ocean and everything was beautiful. And it makes me go - "i was actually there and it was unbelievable but i was there in that amazing place."
It was a beautiful memory. I just questions - why does the fact that i was there make me feel so happy? Being over there in real time was less happy to be honest. I mean it was amazing no doubt but the memory seems better somehow.
Why?
It hurts me when my juniors answer questions that i don't have a clue to. What do i choose to do about it - nothing, continue feeling hurt.
Sometimes love does not come naturally for a close friend, especially after a prolonged separation. Is distance that powerful? With parents it is so special though. Nothing matters.
My tendency for certainty is getting the best of me, i notice. How i need a quiet environment to sleep. How i need to know my plans ahead. Well, something we can work on, no?
It hurts when i think that people think that she is rejected girl. It hurts that people think that i was in love with him even though i was not.
I wonder, will i ever find the guy i am looking for.
And i think, what more issues do i have. But nothing comes to mind. I am good. Life is good. Life is amazing. Too damn amazing.

Life in the fast lane

It has been a ride. From call to post call to call to post call to call again.
Life in the fast lane it is. I am literally craving for some "me time". Just me. Just me and peace.
When was the last such time...i try to recall. I'd say....can't remember.
Anyway some more go go left. Goodnight.

Hi diary. God am i sleepy or what. I am just sleppy.......mmmm
.......mm..m
..

Like a boss

Right so...i want to jump right to it. Just a little while ago i saved a life by intubating a rapidly desaturating young female. I made the assessment and the decisions. I gave the orders. Like a boss. It was an amazing feeling, amazing experience.
And talking to her family, eliciting her history was sad. So young and so on the verge of losing her life. God bless her.
Today was...good. Begun with some excitement. An inter-departmental fight. I was asked to do some detective work. Fun. Then a storm of chores came upon me. Delivery of books, delivery of home food, prep for icu, coordinating colleagues, pacs...all at once. But again i handled it like boss...like boss.
Then came a dull time. Icu work. It was...work...and i just don't find it fun, to try to figure out what is wrong with the patient but give the same treatment anyway. And it is not even not my primary job to find the wrong. I am an anesthesiologist. I like giving anesthesia, taking people under. You just don't see outcomes here. And so...
Interacting with people was fun. Being flirted with was fun.

Ninth February

Hello there. Life is going well. I have been making decisions that have been making me good abouy myself. I am doing things i want to do. I am taking action! So that is good.
Everythen now and then i do make some disappointing decisions and actions but it's a part of growing...no?
Today was good. Today the ot was fun. Lots of chores. Not letting them overwhelm me. Taking it step by step.
There was some royal Valentin awkwardness today. I mean i didn't know if i was his friend or not. And he didn't either. It was super awkward. I know what to do about it.
I felt like i wasted time with Savannah today. But i can't be selfish i realize. It is a two way street. Both parties needs must be heeded. I am wise now. Wiser now, i correct.
I love how badass i am in the gym.
I love how i made the spontaneous decision to go to the library today.
Two things i never regret after doing - gymming and studying #nuggetofwisdom
And here i am now winding down.
I should learn to vocalize more specifically. #truth

Shout at her day

Well today has been all about people shouting at me because i didn't meet their expectations.
And i am okay with it because it really wasn't my fault. But you know, the negative energy isn't pretty.
My seminar was a disaster. I should truly be ashamed. What am i taking from this? I need to present many more seminars. At least, one every week. It makes sense to pick up a long question and present a seminar on it. My next aim is to prepare the pre anesthetic assessment of IHD.
In other news, i have been feeling this vague dissatisfaction of sorts and a desire for too much perfection. A very sucky position to be in.
That is the thing about calls. I also get this feeling when i am at home just after work and i don't have any plan but i know i have work to do. It is an itch to do something but a loss of direction, if i may say so. Loss of direction, confusion. Me and my need for certainty. God help me!
Formulating a plan seems to work for me. And lets see how that goes for me today.

Lucky me

Okay here we go...i really feel like connecting with myself today. I feel like i am slowly drifting to that land of lostness. It is not pretty. I need certainty for peace of mind.
So here i am. Sprawled comfortably on my bed converted to sofa, very well fed, body stretched out and tired, done for the day, with a pretty candle lit in my room and all lights out. Am i lucky or what? Like seriously, am i lucky or what? So grateful right now.
So February began. And i don't have a plan yet. Probably why i am getting that feeling again.
I also feel lucky to have met a friend like Savannah. I often hope that she will behave the way i want her to, that she will give me prime precedence always. I get possessive at time. But i have learnt to give her her space. And realize that she is not my toy. She has her own preferences and dreams.
Work has been frustrating. A hectic routine ot. Emergencies are never peaceful. It is the working with seniors and keeping upto their expectations that is difficult. So many of them with varied attitudes and expectations. And it has all fallen upon me. I think once i set me plan for Feb everything will become tolerable.
Let me talk about how i ate today. I ate so well, oh my god! I have satisfied my great craving. I having longing to hog on pav bhaaji for so long now. And i had a good appetite today evening. So i went for it. And man did i eat. It was yummy, yummy, yummy. I feel full. Reminds me of the days i used to hog on pav bhaaji at home.
Mmm.
I feel kind of emotional today. I miss mommy and daddy. Hearing their voice felt so good. I actually miss them and Polo and home. I miss home. Never thought i would say that. As toxic as that environment is these are my people and i know them to their bones and i love them and i would happily die for them. So what i meant...emotional alright.
I noticed myself falling on old patterns when it comes to Valentin. But i realized it and went in the other direction. Pretty okay there. Doesn't matter much now. He chooses how close we stay ahead of this.

Another adsib

I want to talk about sitting in the canteen or a cafe alone and having tea. Why does that bother me. Is it because it is boring. Is it because i am afraid people might think i don't have friends, that i am a social outcast. Of course i know it is foolish to act depending on what people might think. But i am a human living in a society and i must play by the society's rules.  And when was it a rule that you must not have tea alone. It is a rule to dress right, to behave right but not a compulsion to have company at every meal. To be real, i don't think people think anything at all. Everyone has their own life to be  with.
I am proud that yesterday i identified my need and asked for it. I also acted decisively.
I had a thoroughly enjoyable time yesterday. I had doubts about my company. But i guess, every friend has their own thing that you can enjoy. And i did that with the people i went with yesterday. I reached a happy high, enjoyed some flirting and a posh ambience.
And man did i get a good sleep later on or what. A really good sleep! After a while I'd say. Then on, it has been a nice adsib today. Life Is Good, Real Good.

Pearls of wisdom; the past two days

Yesterday evening was an interesting one. It reminded me of the old days. Not the good old days, the bad old days. The days when i would frolick, very conveniently ignoring the studying at hand, believing it will get done. But rarely did it. And then would come the wave of guilt and self disgust. I was doing the same yesterday. But i am wiser now. I realized quickly that i was falling into that pattern. And i wish could say that but i acted kind of half heartedly. What could have been done in 2.5 hours maximum turned into 3.5 hours something.
I have another pearl of wisdom i recently realized which works for what happened yesterday -
Do what you have to do 'properly' 'once'. Or spend more time and energy doing the same thing.
So true. Works for little day to day things too.
But simply the fact that i devoted an entire evening to studies made me feel good. It was a good evening. Making a presentation whilst sipping hot herbal tea on my bed...a picture that seems like it is out of some movie.
I dreamt a violent dream that night, attributed it to a thriller i saw before going to sleep.
Then came the 3rd of February. Woke up longing for the weekend. But showed up anyway. Yay me! It was call day.
There was a Valentin saga that evening. His behaviour is...i want to say mean but I'll say weird. He does not want to talk to me, does not want to look at me, he wants to ignore me. And i would be fine with this if, if he maintained this attitude. Just a few days before yesterday, he enquired after me, told me news, began conversation with me. Why such confusing behaviour? Do i deserve to be treated like this? It is funny how with him my questions remain the same, no matter what our position is. It is always about whether i deserve to be treated the way he does. The fact is that his actions still matter to me. Such behaviour from another guy would not mean this much to me. Funny. My thinking is that i gave too much importance to this guy for too long. And it is not going to go away overnight. The old me would not have thought this way. The oldest me would have said "i still love him", the older me would have said "if these are the feelings i am feeling then this must mean i still love him". Now i say "these feelings are old conditioning. He is not an important person in my life anymore."
I wonder how far off am i from the old age kind of wisdom. Does this make my aim- "to be wiser for my years."
Valentin has gone to a music festival i always wanted to go to and he will be meeting his fiance over there, a position i wanted to have. How does that make me feel? I want to say jealous of that girl. And i think i am, just a little bit. Because really, whether or not Valentin will make a good partner is a question i cannot answer. May he will, may be he won't. There is no way to know. So overall, i am reqlly okay with it. A tad bit sad, jealous but full of understanding and wishing for a romantic partner. Even though, i do not know why o want a romantic partner anyway. My life is pretty damn perfect right now.
I was so stressed yesterday night, over whether i will be able to get a good sleep. And anybody trying to get in the way was a villain. I went to sleep with call related worry and Valentin confusion.
Here is another pearl of wisdom -
"Be good to everyone, by everyone i really mean everyone. You never whose help you need. And do not believe that you do not need help, you are only human."
"Give people a little part of yourself and they are yours forever."

When all is good

Isn't it easy to be happy and grateful and all chirpy when good things are happening to you. Well but, it is unnatural to be happy when bad things are happening to you. So, how can you make good things happen to you. That's the thing, you can't. You just do good and may be, it will come to you. I think on those days, it is all about resilience. How quickly you bounce back and that to truly.
I am an innocent fool. Do i really not understand when someone is using me. I am actually very careful, or so i like to believe.
I am so much like daddy. I am strict about driving and all safety measures.

Provoked. Valentin diary.

What does she have that i don't? What does he in her that he didn't in me? Is she that perfect?
She suits him better I'll say. Looks wise. I never was pretty enough for him. I always agreed with this fact. It is just people around me, encouraging me that made me for a minute believe that we would match, looks wises. People were wrong. I wonder if he ever thought me physically attractive. I think he did at one point.
She is rich. Much more than me.
How much will she enhance his life? Is she someone who will? That i do not know. I would like to say that i hope she will. But honestly i hope she does not. I hope she troubles him. I hope he realizes what he gave up. I feel mean...justified mean...though i know deep down it is un justified.
I just hoped he was someone who looked past riches and looks. I guess he is not that person.
Am i even that person? No i am not. How do i expect him?
Should i look past these things?
I think i should.
What will be important for me is - principles, goals, personality, dreams, ambition, what he deems important in life, status...compatibility basically.

Waves of "is she better or am i"?

His attitude just stuns me. He just tries to avoid me...not talk to me. How can...is he dumb? Does he not think? What does he get by such an attitude? Dumbass.
I am done expecting a certain behaviour from him. Like seriously.
How can he just ignore someone he knows from so long, who he met more than he probably did any other girl? Dumb. I don't know what he thinks.

On call mentality; love

I want to talk about my thought process everytime i am on call. I always fall into this confusion as to what to do in my free time. And it makes me feel like i am losing time. I don't feel constructive unless there are cases.
The other thing is that i hope for comfort on call days. I hope to be comfortable in my emergency duty. How do i not see that i am setting myself up for disappointment. An emergency duty is not a place for comfort. Some severe perception change required here.
I just feel like it is not the duty itself that is tiring or different, it is my thought process. I mean, on a routine day, what do i do so different from what i do on a call day. What indeed.
I hurry to the gym, i hurry dinner, i hope to study, i do a night routine and sleep. I think the only different thing is the surity that my sleep will not be disturbed. And a certain comfort of being in my room where i will not be disturbed.
It is only the fear of being awoken that prevents me from enjoying my calls.
So do not fear my love. Greet it and meet it as it comes.

I want to be passionate. Love is so beautiful. I saw a father stroking his ill daughter and it filled me with something so warm. Love....is beautiful. Love.

That amazing moment

So you are in this amazing, stunning, unbelievable moment. The sky is lit with stars. The waves are glowing. The sand is cool. The sand is glistening. The ocean smell scintillates. The roaring waves hit your ears, almost musical. The ocean breeze is refreshing.
I often struggle with, is it worth it. I could watch a similar video, or see a similar image. Was it worth it, all the trouble to see it in person.
I think it is magnified. The experience magnifies the image. So it is worth it. I guess it is about the trouble:experience ratio. It is about what the experience makes you into.
I mean, looking at a beautiful image, i feel amazing. I wish to be a part of it. But being there, i feel...like this is going to be lost so soon. At least the image is forever.  Is it worth it again.
I am in it. It is amazing. Let me soak it in. Let me preserve this forever. Let me click a picture. It will be gone soon. It is gone.

I look at the picture. It brings back memories.

I look at somebody else's picture. I long to be in it. But why. So i can have the same picture? Why? Because i want to feel what that person in the picture feels.
But the person in the picture feels nothing really special. He is in his thoughts. He cannot believe he is there. He is experiencing the picture.

That is it. I wish to experience the picture. Why. To maginfy it. A photo never really does justice anyway.

Lots to talk

So from where should i begin...
Loneliness. Love. A loving partner. Him. Let's begin with this topic.
I have begun to crave for this. I just feel like it will so nice if i had that man, who would take care of me, fulfil every wish of mine, hold me, love me, kiss me, hug me. Wouldn't it be nice. And i would finally lose that label "unmarried girl". Because man is that a wrong label for a 26 year old girl to have. Somebody i can call up to have tea, lunch, dinner and breakfast with. Someone who understands my dreams, helps me with them.
Well tell me one thing love, are you really going to burden this guy with all these responsibilities. Will you expect him to do all these things? I mean, what is the role of a partner anyway? Why do we need one? I feel like expecting anything from your partner is wrong. I mean, why should it be his responsibility to take care of me. Should i not be able to do that for myself. He is not my parents. And i am not a child either. Why should it be his responsibility to fulfil my every wish. That is just wrong. He is not Santa. Lol. The physical bit. Well now, this, i think i would expect. Because i can not do this for myself. Will you expect him to come running at every call of yours? Will you. It will definitely be wrong to expect this. He will have his life. It is not his job to listen to your troubles and provide solutions. It is not his job to give you company at every meal, simple because you cannot deal with having it alone in public. Because you think people will think "oh poor girl, she is so lonely, she is eating alone, thank god i have friends". Your insecurity. Are you going to burden him with it. So basically i am very confused as to what the role of a partner is anyway. And at some level, i do not want to be a social outcast. I know i want a partner because i want to be socially acceptable and i really do think it is time physically. Those are the facts.
With him, i kind of was always clear. I have to accept the rejection and i am being friendly with. My thought out decisions.
Moving on. The beach trip. Time for the talk. Let me put out words that come to mind when i think about it.
Confusing. Fear ridden. Fear again. Worry. Frustrations. Unbelievable sights. Hot. Motion sickness. Terrifying ride. Fun at the beach. Amazing breakfast. Yummy fish. Private clean beach awesomeness.
I would say it was equal parts positive and negative. I have already talked about the mental challenges in another blog. I might revisit it. I do not know why i refuse to look at the photos from the trip. On monday i thought they would bring the negatives back, just looking at them. And then i kind of just decided to not look at them and i did not find time either.
The post trip call day was also full of negatives. Pretty much on the same lines.
Vague fears. I think you state dictates on what lines you think. A problem based fearful line. Or a decisive, solution based one. On monday i was tired and so my mental state was crappy. I kept having fears. Come tuesday i was better. Wednesday, even better. I am so proud that i am taking efforts to live with integrity. And i feel like it is becoming a habit.
Moving on to studies. I am so far behind. It hurts. What am i doing about it. Nothing. Like i should study today. But it is not even a possible option. I am deciding to stay in knee deep water going deeper. Do i have a plan. I do. I have my set times and days. I cannot do more at this moment. Not with the amount of work. I just feel like i need to be more i integral with it. Just like i am with gym.
My compulsiveness to know my emotions. It is quite good i would say. Being mindful of your emotions is good. What am feeling right now. What am i doing right now. I just stop and ask myself these questions. And i do not feel rested until i know the answer. Not everyone is like this. Not everyone has gone through what you have. I decide it is quite okay to think like this. I qas worrying it is abnormal. My answer is...it is not abnormal. It is different. It is how a self actualized person thinks. Self actualization is a path i have chosen. Not everyone needs it. Not everyone knows it. Even fewer in my society.

So am i done...with all topics...

Parents. Glad i am keeping check on their health.
Brother. Why do i not meet him. Why does he not meet me. We don't need to. But we do. More efforts should be taken here. And with old friends.

More Worry.

You cannot keep track of every thought. The neuro-associations are too fast.

I just felt a little wierd. Almost sad...no, anxious would be right word. And i realized i was stressing about quiet a few things.

"How am i going to pay him so much without my parents knowing. Why didn't i intervene about the rates."

"Does she not like me anymore, now that she has seen a different side of me."

"Why is he asking me to give him cover on sunday."

"Will i be able to get some real sleep today. Will those bitches let me sleep. What do i do about that. I feel tired."
.....

I really need to reinforce the fact in my mind that worrying is useless. I need to sell this fact to my brain.

Bombshell today

Well, well, well. Today i was a bomb. So in command of everything. At least that is how i felt.
The day begun with query feeling subconscious post travel nervousness. Then a rushed get ready with Bruno Mars serenading to me in the background. Oh yeah.
A confident breakfast order followed.
A skillful evading your senior when late, taking ON the cases, conversing with interest, fluently yet politely with colleagues, informing timely, taking decisions rapidly. This kind of drained me out. And i dozed off in the pgp. Hilarious.
It continued. And i had to deal with a head eating monster of a senior.
Savannah has doubts our trip. I don't really understand her worry, knowing her. But surprisingly i am cool. Even though i am most at risk here. Not telling my parents. And just going like this. My oh my.
I am tired.
Again i hoped to see Valentin but nope. Hilarious. Not seeing him made me feel nothing, again.
Overall today just all about go go go. Taking decisions. Making space for me. And getting it.

Solution based life

You know how you encounter a problem and it gives you feels and thoughts. Sometimes you put it off and let it affect you...many times actually. You marinate in the problem.
I say, just catch it. Catch the problem. And deal with it! Right away. Nip it in the bud.
Deal with it in whatever way you have. Just live a solution based life.

Valentin and the further course of action

I was wondering, how i should behave with Valentin now. And i have two options.
One is to be cold, let him know that i am not interested in having any sort of relation with him. And then that will progress to us being acquaintances, most probably, like Savannah and Troy. I don't want that. I don't want that situation because it means losing a person from your life. I would rather have a formal friend or friendly colleague.
That leaves me option two. Just be like i am any other guy. Formal talk. Smile.

Sucky communication day

Early morning positivity-
So today morning, i just felt so well rested, a tad too much. But i readied up real good and quick. I was fairly in time today. Good morning.

Attacking her food. Not conversing well.-
A funny incidence today, i attacked a colleague's in the most awkward way. I wanted another sandwich. But i was too shy to open another one. I sat there thinking what to say or do. And then without asking or saying anything, i just took her sandwich. Why couldn't i just say i wanted another one.
I also feel my formal talk was uncomfortable. Needs work.

Defying plus following orders and killing my wish-
Again, instead of speaking up, i just awkwardly drifted around. All i had to do was relay orders and ask for what i wanted. Silly little me.

Case confidence-
I really feel like i do cases really well now. Confident.

It's amazing how you just naturally comfortable with certain people and naturally uncomfortable with some.

Just wondering whether to speak out. I do this so much. Instead of just speaking out. I keep thinking. I need to start being clear in my head. Breathe. Think about what i am thinking. Be clear. Speak up.

Taking my time out in the afternoon felt real good. I realized that too long in a place puts me in a rut. And i can't do anything ahead. I need me my change.

He wasn't there. Yes, him, Valentin. I expected him to be. I was curious as to how our encounter would be. But it didn't happen. It made me feel, nothing. I just wondered where he was.

Not communicating clearly with my colleague clearly. I made him feel like i was uncooperative, even though i wasn't. I also couldn't ask him to do some stuff. I just didn't know how to ask.

Making good decisions like handling juniors. Achievement points.

Need to establish rapport with guide. Really. It will be beneficial to me.

Realizing the need to read more and more. I am so far behind.

Not being able to have tea alone. Why...
Not being able to ask for tea. This would the sixth communication mistake i made today. Really?!
Wasting time...everybody's...because i couldn't have tea alone.

Being naughty about diet. I ate oily food. But i craved it. Wondering about dinner.

Decisions about dinner and gym. I think too much.

Just taking control of my evening subsequently. Felt good. Feels good.

Valentin and the public; exam

It has just been a day, twenty four hours, yet it seems like it has been so long.
So i begun today feeling good. Well rested. I rushed to work. I was late. But i am cutting through with it. I am being enabled. And so i continue to do it.
Then came the OT. Exciting time doing a VIP. case. My seniors asked me for a treat because i did a case of labour analgesia. I did treat them. And that too well. It was long due. And why not. For people who do something for you even though they don't have to. Glad i took the efforts.
And then came the bomb. My seniors said, " you should have told us you liked him. We would have helped you." I was kind of shocked. How did they know?! Somebody told them about Valentin. It was bad enough that so many friends know it. But now people in my department are saying stuff like, "why didn't you say anything.", "it's okay" and "oh i won't bring up the topic that hurts you". Damn! Surprisingly i didn't feel...much. Just some shock that they knew. I am done feeling like we should have worked. I have accepted that he didn't want me. And that this is for the best. I truly have.
I often try to look for faults in him, try to find ways in which he did me wrong. But i quickly realize that i made all the choices. Only i am responsible for what happened.
I was concerned about what people will say. It was a major concern. But the wise me knows, that only the truth matters. Not what people think. And people will talk, no matter what. If they want to good about me, they will. Irrespective of the truth.

The day went on. I geared up for my exam, which went royally down the drain. But before that i had a nice chat with sone seniors. Like we were good friends. It felt good. I am just so comfortable around some of my seniors.

The exam though. Man it sucked. I just, felt drained out. I couldn't focus. Yesterday i was so charged. I wonder, what made the difference. Tea? Sleep? Stomach bloat?

I was a little bad when it comes to diet today. Very random. Not overload but not measured either.
Looking forward to my Saturday trip.

Bed love; confusion lost; hang over

So my last entry was on Saturday night. And today is Tuesday. How did i survive? Oh heavens, how did dear me survive without checking in for two whole days? I am an interesting piece of work, really.
Sunday was my icu duty and i was pretty busy. I kept myself busy, rather to say. The Monday was a go-go too. Which brings us to today Tuesday.

I woke feeling negative today. I woke with confusions. Am i supposed to wake up? Oh damn yes i do, and i am so late, so screwed, i want a nice breakfast but i am late? I am so sleepy. I am call today, i think, oh yes, i have to make an exchange. Do i really have to? Should i or should i not? Confusion. My throat feels weird. My head feels heavy. I don't like drinking and smoking. I am never doing it again. - some thoughts in the morning while rushing to work. Damn, i was hung over.
Confusion is ugly. Decision making is scary.
I spent the day in confusion and a hang over. At least until 5 pm.
Then on i was queen. I wrote a good exam paper. I enjoyed a nice chat and lovely dinner with Savannah. I tidied up good on my room. And here i am, in my cosy little bed. I love my bed so much. I really love beds.

I acknowledged three amazing personalities today. It is just how their presence and their passion for their work lights up the environment. As opposed to someone who just works to work. Passion is beautiful.

Communication. Once again, my tendency to just keep quiet allowed another to get the best of me. Personality fault. Talk, my love, talk.

I hope this weekend is a good trip.

Need for certainty and significance

Is it just me or is it everyone, who kind of needs for the day to move on predictably, as per her wishes?

I think, simply to realize the fact that you have this need is a difficult task. You really need to be mindful.

So today, my routine OT got over pretty damn soon. Trust me when i say that. I was free. Something i crave very often. I decided to not try to escape from the OT, because let's face it, i was not going to do anything very different at my hostel room. I would have slept or surfed the internet or something like that, nothing i couldn't do in the OT itself. But oh lord, i was so freaking bored the whole time. I did not know what to do. I felt out of place. I felt confused. I felt frustrated. There was no work and i was stuck. I could have and should have studied. But i just didn't.

It is at this point that i realized, how much i crave certainty and predictability. How much i need to embrace vulnerability.

I realized that an empty nutshell is a cooking pot for a variety of thoughts, which can be gross mis-interpretations.

I was also frustrated because i did over time without any compensation while my colleague frolicked.

Of course, i am the one responsible for all these frustrations, not anything else. That is just the way life is. You are responsible for everything that happens to you.

In other news, EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED. And i don't give a damn. This surprises me.

Yesterday, i was ordered to do over time and i was cool about it. I accepted it. And adjusted to it. This surprises me too. My reactions surprise me.

I still need to learn the way you talk to people, with diplomacy and to cut them off too, with diplomacy.

Childhood dreams

I feel...good. The fact that there is no confusion in my head, and that i am living with integrity brings me to a peace.
Planning with balance and execution with strength, staying true...is THE deal.
I have been spending my day doing cases, studying in between and socializing with the OT staff. Then in the evenings, i gym and study and chill. Such a beautiful set routine. Wonder why it took me so long to nail this.
Right now, i feel like i am losing sight of my dreams; like i am losing myself to the hum of daily routine, it's comfort, it's predictability.
I used to dream about drunken dancing, bar happenings, roof top fine dinings, drinking at night on a beach, with the moon, stars and waves, my own music video and oh, so many childhood dreams.
I really must try to make them come true. I must realize that efforts are always required to experience something amazing.

Wow...my need for checking in has really reduced! I think it is the setting of a schedule, daily fixed targets that keep me going. So there is no confusion. So there is inyerpreting the confusion as "what am i doing witb my life, am i going wrong, what am i forgetting?" And most importantly, "i feel lost." Man...that is a common one. And then i assess everything and plan. But this is good. Month wise and week wise and day wise planning.
I dreamt about Valentin and his fiance. Funny. And that is where it ends. It means nothing.

I cannot tell you, oh man, trust me when i say this, i feel so RIGHT. Yeah! I feel "right". For a change, i don't feel lost. My health is on track, my emotions are on track, my personality is on track, my career is on track and my relationships are on track. All my main categories are bang on. And that just makes me feel, kind of peaceful.
The hard part was health and studies, now that relationship is out of my way ( thank you Valentin!). Being in line with those was and is tough. But i am following through.
Speaking of which...Banger!! Aaaaarrgh! I don't think i have hated anyone so much. I really HATE him. He is such a back bitcher, arrogant brat. How to deal with toxic people and how to get your point across with diplomacy and how to react to certain circumstances, is something i need to work on.

So today...

Neutral. Positive.
Hungry.
Weird. The ever changing schedule.
Emotional. Feel like clinging onto mom and dad.
Fear. Of losing integrity. Of the future.

But this girl has grown up. She seeks the truth. And the truth is...

Well isn't it a beauty, an ever changing schedule. Welcome some uncertainty. Behold it's beauty!!

Oh you sweet soul! You love them. Do not worry about the future or worry knowing that it is as useless as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing gum. Be present in time.

If you fear losing integrity, just be integral. Simple, honey, it is that simple.

Yesterday night's happenings still disturb me. I am just disappointed in myself. Why didn't i speak up? And why did i cry about it instead? And i also realized how far i am from Dale's way of life. We have got work to do. How do you think i should proceed? I think, free, genuine, honest communication with them is the way. You just have to communicate your needs and respect theirs and suggest solutions. See, that is how i like to roll.

And man! Man do i need to go on time. I mean like...have a good breakfast, may be study some early morning.

I am proud of how i did cases today, how i mobilized the work load and how i communicated.

Living with integrity, getting work out of your way is REALLY satisfying.

Hi

So how is it supposed to be? You be mindful of your emotions but you be fully present in the experience of the moment. The thing is that if you think, you lose out on the presence. One of the beautiful paradoxes. I think you should just do what feels fucking right to you. And for me, i like to catch the bad things and dissect them out. To really just trace the intricate cvccccc
Study. Be better than Banger.

Just some

Hmm...yesterday night...we went out...like literally. I drank some and smoked some...hookah. Not cigarettes. I do want to though, once.
I don't feel guilty about this. Not one bit. And that does not surprise me. My mindset is that this is the only time i will be able to do this. But the fact is, i don't even enjoy it. I don't find it relaxing. I do think that it lets me be free, cuts off my inhibitions. I think it is good if you are having a conversation or dancing, things just become more true.
Today has been kind of boring. I mean, no real work. Just some random shit all day. Did get some chores done. But that's it.
Looking forward to shopping tomorrow.
I met, didn't really meet, Valentin today. I thoroughly ignored him.

Being a bad girl; words of wisdom

My last check in was just as i was dozing off. I was tired yesterday.
Balance is so important in life. Today i am just giving in to my heart and not my brain. Being a bad girl. And i feel guilty! God am i funny or what?!
Instead of just enjoying this. I sit and feel guilty. Oh my love, why can't you see...you will be fine. Don't be so afriad of your choices. I just defined it! I am too afraid of going wrong, of failure.
Be brave. Trust. Have faith. Be present. Respect time.
Some words of wisdom for me-

The passage of time is scary, yes. I know, you hate it when a whole month passes by, in a blink of an eye. But tell me, my love. What can you do about it? Will fearing time or mourning time bring it back? Most certainly not. So here is my say. Live IN time and WITH time. Suck every moment dry. Be present in it. Relish the time you have. Respect it. Feel it. That is what you can best do.

You plan your month and your week and your day. But everytime you are giving into what your heart desires, what your brain says is not right, you are riddled with guilt. Unable to enjoy your desire. How very funny! My dear, oh my dear, you think too much. You are too afraid, too afraid of your choices, fearful of the future. What if you give in to temptation, and you become unsuccessful in your missions? You must keep working hard. But you are also sick of working hard. You crave breaks. My love, it is all about balance. And you strive for it.
Jusy don't think so much. You have thought and made the decision to lust, so lust, lust hard. And soon you decide to work hard, right then, work, work hard. See your decisions through. Don't look back.

Life is best when it is in accordance with your principles. Strive to stay in line with them. Otherwise, discontentment, disappointment.

Wow, nice write ups, huh. Life is good. Being relieved at the right hours. No work overload. Good planning. Good execution. Keep it up girl!
I notice, i come here less often when i am not confused, well planned and well in action.

It is so sexy to be strong, so sexy to be knowledgeable.

The best day of residency?

I was so organized today. I did all the things i wanted to. It was kind of constant. But i expected that. And that is how it should be. My week planning is killing it. It is just a matter of following through.
Tired..
I am such a sucker for stars and city lights and the moon. They just kind of stop time for me.
Being confident is everything.
Adjusting swiftly to your environment is the deal.
Good night....

Yesterday

The work rush....whoooo...woke up feeling a little less good but forced on gratitude. Work was good, good cases, good load. Not the crazy load. Then after a brief social break which i felt was unnecessary but was actually necessary, more cases. Good load. My seniors shared on the load. They were the good ones. And then sleep. Then an untimely case, pissed me off, but i held my own.
The best part off yesterday, i would say was the early canteen breakfast with friends. Good company, beautiful dawny light, hunger and hot breakfast in the biting cold.
I am often confronted with thoughts of, "man, i have this now, i won't have it later, i should not get used to this or enjoy this lest i be disappointed later." But i know, it is such a sucky mindset. You just have to enjoy the now. And not worry about the future. Make the most of now. The future will take care of itself.
I still think about Valentin. I thought and hoped to see him yesterday but that didn't happen and that did disappoint me a teeny tiny bit. But i was resilient. I mean, he hardly matters now.
I often try to find faults with Valentin, try to blame things on him. But i know, he did nothing. Precisely, he did nothing and that is wrong. But not that wrong. Nothing i wouldn't have done myself. Oh Valentin, what have you done.

With me

Why hello there, i feel so weird right now. This is different. I am not used to so much me time. Hilarious, isn't it. Last week, i was craving for this and bitching about the incessantness, and now...
I chose this schedule for myself. I like it. But it is different. I am so used to friends and outings and pacs in the evening.
Looks like i need to spend time with friends or deal with this feeling. It is true, it is scary to sit with your own thoughts.
Worries, fears crop up.
The day began with a phone call i was proud of. I spoke so well. Knowing me, it was a difficult task. But i guess, a year and a half in Anesthesia has honed my communication skills. Long way to go to reach the Dale Carnegie way but i would like to believe i am on the way.
Then came the cases. I was asked by my senior to attend to the most high risk case with her. Man! People wanted to be where i was. But i was the chosen one. Muhahaha.
It was pretty incessant, the work. Hectic at it's best. But it ended on time. I was relieved in time. And really, that makes a lot difference. Being freed an hour late, robs you off your hour.
Going to the gym feels good everytime. I never, if not rarely, regret going to the gym. Proud of myself for overcoming the laze, the "too many boys" fear and just going out there and building muscle.
Binged a little bit. Oops. Who's being a bad girl? Well i just got carried away.
Overall, i feel a kind of neutrality, an eerie neutrality if i may say so. The future and it's uncertainty scares me. That i may fall short scares me. I want to take all the right decisions. I am afraid of wrong decisions.

Integrity; Dad

Today i am happy, i feel content. I attribute that to going to gym and killing it there. Man! I was badass. Or so i would like to think. At any rate, i got over my fear of working out in front of boys and just focused on my workout and did it. I got over my fear and completed my goal. That made me feel good. Not just that, i also got over my temptation to eat out or order in. I ate a good meal from the canteen. It was economy too.
I could not study because i met with other obstacles but i still feel good. Because i did read today. It was a start. And i plan to read the whole time or maximum time tomorrow during call.
Today was a good day. See how living with integrity makes you feel.
Oh and the other bomb today, i told dad about my idea. He gave me good insight but discouraged me, as i had expected. It hurt a little but i expected it. And it is not stopping me. I do not become the victim now. Yo!
The main part was me talking to him and communicating with him in the first place! That was kind of a connecting moment for us. And i feel we need more of that. God...i am so emotional when it comes to dad.
I had good energy today. See what rest does to you. One needs rest and sleep.
I also realized that i am kind of using Lie Mechanisms when it comes to Valentin, to get over the rejection or whatever. Not looking at the facts and making assumptions. I dream about chatting freely with him. Tomorrow we are on call together. I wonder what will happen. There was a time when the best part about calls were that they were with him. Now, the best part about calls is that i get to study.

Day one man! Adrenalized; Valentin; Holidays and weddings

Oh man, it is so late and i should sleep but i can't and i have a full on working day tomorrow.
My sleep pattern had been stay up at night and sleep the day for the past few days. Man, the past few days were fucking amazing. And plus, i have been adrenalized by an idea that popped in my mind.
Also, ever since my "breakup", i have been falling into my old patterns. Listening to korean music, thinking about my career and dreams, eating food...this is good. Well basically i was on a different mission last year. Was i conscious of the fact that i was changing? I was always just so pre -occupied. I knew i was putting everything else aside.
Today things happened. And  i feel very good. Valentin and I met properly today, kind of, for the first time since our talk. To begin with, he spoke to me, kind of. That made me feel good. Not because i like it when he talks to me but because i don't want there to be awkwardness between us. It was a relief that he spoke to me. Then we spoke during dinner. From the way he spoke it seemed like he was not too thrilled about getting married. He was basically just trying to process the fact himself. He was not too excited about losing his bachelor life. He also doesn't really know the girl he is getting married to, nor the family she is from. I couldn't tell, if he was happy or what about this marriage thing.
And this told me stuff about him. He really doesn't stand up for what he wants. He really doesn't communicate.
And then another fact was revealed. The girl is stinking rich. So, that kind of explains everything...why he is getting married...so fast.
I kind of feel sorry for him. And all this makes me feel good. But it's so mean of me, to be happy in his "sadness". I think i am more happy simply because i understand the situation better.
I was blue today during quite a few moments. First one was when i came to know that all the boys went to Valentin's house. That made me feel bad stuff.
Second was when i saw my senior all dressed up. That made me feel many bad stuffs.
Third was when i was waiting for some friends to go my very good friend's engagement.
The gist. You feel bad when you don't follow through your desires. It is one things when you try your all and it fails. But if don't try at all, choose comfort over you desire, you feel bad, discontented, regrets. So follow through. And be wary of your decisions.
Not going to the wedding was my decision, a poor one i feel in retrospect. Although i had a good time here, great time even, that would have been an awesome experience.
Last check in was last night, i believe. Since then,
Beautiful, sound, awesome sleep.
Lovely brunch - chocolate cake, red wine, chakna, game of thrones...what is life!
Room jam session
Shopping
Getting ready for engagement
Engagement. Lovely time with friends.
Valentin diaries.
Room time. Adrenalized.
Winding down. Coming back to you.

Why do i feel Valentin asked his friends to hook me up with people? Valentin looking out for me? My head making things up? God, how we personalize stuff!
I am beginning to think Nina is boring, shallow, a little jealous but very sweet and nice and helpful. Also Savannah is far long behind in self development.

Peace.love.balance.