When all is good

Isn't it easy to be happy and grateful and all chirpy when good things are happening to you. Well but, it is unnatural to be happy when bad things are happening to you. So, how can you make good things happen to you. That's the thing, you can't. You just do good and may be, it will come to you. I think on those days, it is all about resilience. How quickly you bounce back and that to truly.
I am an innocent fool. Do i really not understand when someone is using me. I am actually very careful, or so i like to believe.
I am so much like daddy. I am strict about driving and all safety measures.

Provoked. Valentin diary.

What does she have that i don't? What does he in her that he didn't in me? Is she that perfect?
She suits him better I'll say. Looks wise. I never was pretty enough for him. I always agreed with this fact. It is just people around me, encouraging me that made me for a minute believe that we would match, looks wises. People were wrong. I wonder if he ever thought me physically attractive. I think he did at one point.
She is rich. Much more than me.
How much will she enhance his life? Is she someone who will? That i do not know. I would like to say that i hope she will. But honestly i hope she does not. I hope she troubles him. I hope he realizes what he gave up. I feel mean...justified mean...though i know deep down it is un justified.
I just hoped he was someone who looked past riches and looks. I guess he is not that person.
Am i even that person? No i am not. How do i expect him?
Should i look past these things?
I think i should.
What will be important for me is - principles, goals, personality, dreams, ambition, what he deems important in life, status...compatibility basically.

Waves of "is she better or am i"?

His attitude just stuns me. He just tries to avoid me...not talk to me. How can...is he dumb? Does he not think? What does he get by such an attitude? Dumbass.
I am done expecting a certain behaviour from him. Like seriously.
How can he just ignore someone he knows from so long, who he met more than he probably did any other girl? Dumb. I don't know what he thinks.

On call mentality; love

I want to talk about my thought process everytime i am on call. I always fall into this confusion as to what to do in my free time. And it makes me feel like i am losing time. I don't feel constructive unless there are cases.
The other thing is that i hope for comfort on call days. I hope to be comfortable in my emergency duty. How do i not see that i am setting myself up for disappointment. An emergency duty is not a place for comfort. Some severe perception change required here.
I just feel like it is not the duty itself that is tiring or different, it is my thought process. I mean, on a routine day, what do i do so different from what i do on a call day. What indeed.
I hurry to the gym, i hurry dinner, i hope to study, i do a night routine and sleep. I think the only different thing is the surity that my sleep will not be disturbed. And a certain comfort of being in my room where i will not be disturbed.
It is only the fear of being awoken that prevents me from enjoying my calls.
So do not fear my love. Greet it and meet it as it comes.

I want to be passionate. Love is so beautiful. I saw a father stroking his ill daughter and it filled me with something so warm. Love....is beautiful. Love.

That amazing moment

So you are in this amazing, stunning, unbelievable moment. The sky is lit with stars. The waves are glowing. The sand is cool. The sand is glistening. The ocean smell scintillates. The roaring waves hit your ears, almost musical. The ocean breeze is refreshing.
I often struggle with, is it worth it. I could watch a similar video, or see a similar image. Was it worth it, all the trouble to see it in person.
I think it is magnified. The experience magnifies the image. So it is worth it. I guess it is about the trouble:experience ratio. It is about what the experience makes you into.
I mean, looking at a beautiful image, i feel amazing. I wish to be a part of it. But being there, i feel...like this is going to be lost so soon. At least the image is forever.  Is it worth it again.
I am in it. It is amazing. Let me soak it in. Let me preserve this forever. Let me click a picture. It will be gone soon. It is gone.

I look at the picture. It brings back memories.

I look at somebody else's picture. I long to be in it. But why. So i can have the same picture? Why? Because i want to feel what that person in the picture feels.
But the person in the picture feels nothing really special. He is in his thoughts. He cannot believe he is there. He is experiencing the picture.

That is it. I wish to experience the picture. Why. To maginfy it. A photo never really does justice anyway.

Lots to talk

So from where should i begin...
Loneliness. Love. A loving partner. Him. Let's begin with this topic.
I have begun to crave for this. I just feel like it will so nice if i had that man, who would take care of me, fulfil every wish of mine, hold me, love me, kiss me, hug me. Wouldn't it be nice. And i would finally lose that label "unmarried girl". Because man is that a wrong label for a 26 year old girl to have. Somebody i can call up to have tea, lunch, dinner and breakfast with. Someone who understands my dreams, helps me with them.
Well tell me one thing love, are you really going to burden this guy with all these responsibilities. Will you expect him to do all these things? I mean, what is the role of a partner anyway? Why do we need one? I feel like expecting anything from your partner is wrong. I mean, why should it be his responsibility to take care of me. Should i not be able to do that for myself. He is not my parents. And i am not a child either. Why should it be his responsibility to fulfil my every wish. That is just wrong. He is not Santa. Lol. The physical bit. Well now, this, i think i would expect. Because i can not do this for myself. Will you expect him to come running at every call of yours? Will you. It will definitely be wrong to expect this. He will have his life. It is not his job to listen to your troubles and provide solutions. It is not his job to give you company at every meal, simple because you cannot deal with having it alone in public. Because you think people will think "oh poor girl, she is so lonely, she is eating alone, thank god i have friends". Your insecurity. Are you going to burden him with it. So basically i am very confused as to what the role of a partner is anyway. And at some level, i do not want to be a social outcast. I know i want a partner because i want to be socially acceptable and i really do think it is time physically. Those are the facts.
With him, i kind of was always clear. I have to accept the rejection and i am being friendly with. My thought out decisions.
Moving on. The beach trip. Time for the talk. Let me put out words that come to mind when i think about it.
Confusing. Fear ridden. Fear again. Worry. Frustrations. Unbelievable sights. Hot. Motion sickness. Terrifying ride. Fun at the beach. Amazing breakfast. Yummy fish. Private clean beach awesomeness.
I would say it was equal parts positive and negative. I have already talked about the mental challenges in another blog. I might revisit it. I do not know why i refuse to look at the photos from the trip. On monday i thought they would bring the negatives back, just looking at them. And then i kind of just decided to not look at them and i did not find time either.
The post trip call day was also full of negatives. Pretty much on the same lines.
Vague fears. I think you state dictates on what lines you think. A problem based fearful line. Or a decisive, solution based one. On monday i was tired and so my mental state was crappy. I kept having fears. Come tuesday i was better. Wednesday, even better. I am so proud that i am taking efforts to live with integrity. And i feel like it is becoming a habit.
Moving on to studies. I am so far behind. It hurts. What am i doing about it. Nothing. Like i should study today. But it is not even a possible option. I am deciding to stay in knee deep water going deeper. Do i have a plan. I do. I have my set times and days. I cannot do more at this moment. Not with the amount of work. I just feel like i need to be more i integral with it. Just like i am with gym.
My compulsiveness to know my emotions. It is quite good i would say. Being mindful of your emotions is good. What am feeling right now. What am i doing right now. I just stop and ask myself these questions. And i do not feel rested until i know the answer. Not everyone is like this. Not everyone has gone through what you have. I decide it is quite okay to think like this. I qas worrying it is abnormal. My answer is...it is not abnormal. It is different. It is how a self actualized person thinks. Self actualization is a path i have chosen. Not everyone needs it. Not everyone knows it. Even fewer in my society.

So am i done...with all topics...

Parents. Glad i am keeping check on their health.
Brother. Why do i not meet him. Why does he not meet me. We don't need to. But we do. More efforts should be taken here. And with old friends.

More Worry.

You cannot keep track of every thought. The neuro-associations are too fast.

I just felt a little wierd. Almost sad...no, anxious would be right word. And i realized i was stressing about quiet a few things.

"How am i going to pay him so much without my parents knowing. Why didn't i intervene about the rates."

"Does she not like me anymore, now that she has seen a different side of me."

"Why is he asking me to give him cover on sunday."

"Will i be able to get some real sleep today. Will those bitches let me sleep. What do i do about that. I feel tired."
.....

I really need to reinforce the fact in my mind that worrying is useless. I need to sell this fact to my brain.

Bombshell today

Well, well, well. Today i was a bomb. So in command of everything. At least that is how i felt.
The day begun with query feeling subconscious post travel nervousness. Then a rushed get ready with Bruno Mars serenading to me in the background. Oh yeah.
A confident breakfast order followed.
A skillful evading your senior when late, taking ON the cases, conversing with interest, fluently yet politely with colleagues, informing timely, taking decisions rapidly. This kind of drained me out. And i dozed off in the pgp. Hilarious.
It continued. And i had to deal with a head eating monster of a senior.
Savannah has doubts our trip. I don't really understand her worry, knowing her. But surprisingly i am cool. Even though i am most at risk here. Not telling my parents. And just going like this. My oh my.
I am tired.
Again i hoped to see Valentin but nope. Hilarious. Not seeing him made me feel nothing, again.
Overall today just all about go go go. Taking decisions. Making space for me. And getting it.

Solution based life

You know how you encounter a problem and it gives you feels and thoughts. Sometimes you put it off and let it affect you...many times actually. You marinate in the problem.
I say, just catch it. Catch the problem. And deal with it! Right away. Nip it in the bud.
Deal with it in whatever way you have. Just live a solution based life.

Valentin and the further course of action

I was wondering, how i should behave with Valentin now. And i have two options.
One is to be cold, let him know that i am not interested in having any sort of relation with him. And then that will progress to us being acquaintances, most probably, like Savannah and Troy. I don't want that. I don't want that situation because it means losing a person from your life. I would rather have a formal friend or friendly colleague.
That leaves me option two. Just be like i am any other guy. Formal talk. Smile.

Sucky communication day

Early morning positivity-
So today morning, i just felt so well rested, a tad too much. But i readied up real good and quick. I was fairly in time today. Good morning.

Attacking her food. Not conversing well.-
A funny incidence today, i attacked a colleague's in the most awkward way. I wanted another sandwich. But i was too shy to open another one. I sat there thinking what to say or do. And then without asking or saying anything, i just took her sandwich. Why couldn't i just say i wanted another one.
I also feel my formal talk was uncomfortable. Needs work.

Defying plus following orders and killing my wish-
Again, instead of speaking up, i just awkwardly drifted around. All i had to do was relay orders and ask for what i wanted. Silly little me.

Case confidence-
I really feel like i do cases really well now. Confident.

It's amazing how you just naturally comfortable with certain people and naturally uncomfortable with some.

Just wondering whether to speak out. I do this so much. Instead of just speaking out. I keep thinking. I need to start being clear in my head. Breathe. Think about what i am thinking. Be clear. Speak up.

Taking my time out in the afternoon felt real good. I realized that too long in a place puts me in a rut. And i can't do anything ahead. I need me my change.

He wasn't there. Yes, him, Valentin. I expected him to be. I was curious as to how our encounter would be. But it didn't happen. It made me feel, nothing. I just wondered where he was.

Not communicating clearly with my colleague clearly. I made him feel like i was uncooperative, even though i wasn't. I also couldn't ask him to do some stuff. I just didn't know how to ask.

Making good decisions like handling juniors. Achievement points.

Need to establish rapport with guide. Really. It will be beneficial to me.

Realizing the need to read more and more. I am so far behind.

Not being able to have tea alone. Why...
Not being able to ask for tea. This would the sixth communication mistake i made today. Really?!
Wasting time...everybody's...because i couldn't have tea alone.

Being naughty about diet. I ate oily food. But i craved it. Wondering about dinner.

Decisions about dinner and gym. I think too much.

Just taking control of my evening subsequently. Felt good. Feels good.

Valentin and the public; exam

It has just been a day, twenty four hours, yet it seems like it has been so long.
So i begun today feeling good. Well rested. I rushed to work. I was late. But i am cutting through with it. I am being enabled. And so i continue to do it.
Then came the OT. Exciting time doing a VIP. case. My seniors asked me for a treat because i did a case of labour analgesia. I did treat them. And that too well. It was long due. And why not. For people who do something for you even though they don't have to. Glad i took the efforts.
And then came the bomb. My seniors said, " you should have told us you liked him. We would have helped you." I was kind of shocked. How did they know?! Somebody told them about Valentin. It was bad enough that so many friends know it. But now people in my department are saying stuff like, "why didn't you say anything.", "it's okay" and "oh i won't bring up the topic that hurts you". Damn! Surprisingly i didn't feel...much. Just some shock that they knew. I am done feeling like we should have worked. I have accepted that he didn't want me. And that this is for the best. I truly have.
I often try to look for faults in him, try to find ways in which he did me wrong. But i quickly realize that i made all the choices. Only i am responsible for what happened.
I was concerned about what people will say. It was a major concern. But the wise me knows, that only the truth matters. Not what people think. And people will talk, no matter what. If they want to good about me, they will. Irrespective of the truth.

The day went on. I geared up for my exam, which went royally down the drain. But before that i had a nice chat with sone seniors. Like we were good friends. It felt good. I am just so comfortable around some of my seniors.

The exam though. Man it sucked. I just, felt drained out. I couldn't focus. Yesterday i was so charged. I wonder, what made the difference. Tea? Sleep? Stomach bloat?

I was a little bad when it comes to diet today. Very random. Not overload but not measured either.
Looking forward to my Saturday trip.

Bed love; confusion lost; hang over

So my last entry was on Saturday night. And today is Tuesday. How did i survive? Oh heavens, how did dear me survive without checking in for two whole days? I am an interesting piece of work, really.
Sunday was my icu duty and i was pretty busy. I kept myself busy, rather to say. The Monday was a go-go too. Which brings us to today Tuesday.

I woke feeling negative today. I woke with confusions. Am i supposed to wake up? Oh damn yes i do, and i am so late, so screwed, i want a nice breakfast but i am late? I am so sleepy. I am call today, i think, oh yes, i have to make an exchange. Do i really have to? Should i or should i not? Confusion. My throat feels weird. My head feels heavy. I don't like drinking and smoking. I am never doing it again. - some thoughts in the morning while rushing to work. Damn, i was hung over.
Confusion is ugly. Decision making is scary.
I spent the day in confusion and a hang over. At least until 5 pm.
Then on i was queen. I wrote a good exam paper. I enjoyed a nice chat and lovely dinner with Savannah. I tidied up good on my room. And here i am, in my cosy little bed. I love my bed so much. I really love beds.

I acknowledged three amazing personalities today. It is just how their presence and their passion for their work lights up the environment. As opposed to someone who just works to work. Passion is beautiful.

Communication. Once again, my tendency to just keep quiet allowed another to get the best of me. Personality fault. Talk, my love, talk.

I hope this weekend is a good trip.

Need for certainty and significance

Is it just me or is it everyone, who kind of needs for the day to move on predictably, as per her wishes?

I think, simply to realize the fact that you have this need is a difficult task. You really need to be mindful.

So today, my routine OT got over pretty damn soon. Trust me when i say that. I was free. Something i crave very often. I decided to not try to escape from the OT, because let's face it, i was not going to do anything very different at my hostel room. I would have slept or surfed the internet or something like that, nothing i couldn't do in the OT itself. But oh lord, i was so freaking bored the whole time. I did not know what to do. I felt out of place. I felt confused. I felt frustrated. There was no work and i was stuck. I could have and should have studied. But i just didn't.

It is at this point that i realized, how much i crave certainty and predictability. How much i need to embrace vulnerability.

I realized that an empty nutshell is a cooking pot for a variety of thoughts, which can be gross mis-interpretations.

I was also frustrated because i did over time without any compensation while my colleague frolicked.

Of course, i am the one responsible for all these frustrations, not anything else. That is just the way life is. You are responsible for everything that happens to you.

In other news, EVERYONE IS GETTING MARRIED. And i don't give a damn. This surprises me.

Yesterday, i was ordered to do over time and i was cool about it. I accepted it. And adjusted to it. This surprises me too. My reactions surprise me.

I still need to learn the way you talk to people, with diplomacy and to cut them off too, with diplomacy.

Childhood dreams

I feel...good. The fact that there is no confusion in my head, and that i am living with integrity brings me to a peace.
Planning with balance and execution with strength, staying true...is THE deal.
I have been spending my day doing cases, studying in between and socializing with the OT staff. Then in the evenings, i gym and study and chill. Such a beautiful set routine. Wonder why it took me so long to nail this.
Right now, i feel like i am losing sight of my dreams; like i am losing myself to the hum of daily routine, it's comfort, it's predictability.
I used to dream about drunken dancing, bar happenings, roof top fine dinings, drinking at night on a beach, with the moon, stars and waves, my own music video and oh, so many childhood dreams.
I really must try to make them come true. I must realize that efforts are always required to experience something amazing.

Wow...my need for checking in has really reduced! I think it is the setting of a schedule, daily fixed targets that keep me going. So there is no confusion. So there is inyerpreting the confusion as "what am i doing witb my life, am i going wrong, what am i forgetting?" And most importantly, "i feel lost." Man...that is a common one. And then i assess everything and plan. But this is good. Month wise and week wise and day wise planning.
I dreamt about Valentin and his fiance. Funny. And that is where it ends. It means nothing.

I cannot tell you, oh man, trust me when i say this, i feel so RIGHT. Yeah! I feel "right". For a change, i don't feel lost. My health is on track, my emotions are on track, my personality is on track, my career is on track and my relationships are on track. All my main categories are bang on. And that just makes me feel, kind of peaceful.
The hard part was health and studies, now that relationship is out of my way ( thank you Valentin!). Being in line with those was and is tough. But i am following through.
Speaking of which...Banger!! Aaaaarrgh! I don't think i have hated anyone so much. I really HATE him. He is such a back bitcher, arrogant brat. How to deal with toxic people and how to get your point across with diplomacy and how to react to certain circumstances, is something i need to work on.

So today...

Neutral. Positive.
Hungry.
Weird. The ever changing schedule.
Emotional. Feel like clinging onto mom and dad.
Fear. Of losing integrity. Of the future.

But this girl has grown up. She seeks the truth. And the truth is...

Well isn't it a beauty, an ever changing schedule. Welcome some uncertainty. Behold it's beauty!!

Oh you sweet soul! You love them. Do not worry about the future or worry knowing that it is as useless as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing gum. Be present in time.

If you fear losing integrity, just be integral. Simple, honey, it is that simple.

Yesterday night's happenings still disturb me. I am just disappointed in myself. Why didn't i speak up? And why did i cry about it instead? And i also realized how far i am from Dale's way of life. We have got work to do. How do you think i should proceed? I think, free, genuine, honest communication with them is the way. You just have to communicate your needs and respect theirs and suggest solutions. See, that is how i like to roll.

And man! Man do i need to go on time. I mean like...have a good breakfast, may be study some early morning.

I am proud of how i did cases today, how i mobilized the work load and how i communicated.

Living with integrity, getting work out of your way is REALLY satisfying.

Hi

So how is it supposed to be? You be mindful of your emotions but you be fully present in the experience of the moment. The thing is that if you think, you lose out on the presence. One of the beautiful paradoxes. I think you should just do what feels fucking right to you. And for me, i like to catch the bad things and dissect them out. To really just trace the intricate cvccccc
Study. Be better than Banger.

Just some

Hmm...yesterday night...we went out...like literally. I drank some and smoked some...hookah. Not cigarettes. I do want to though, once.
I don't feel guilty about this. Not one bit. And that does not surprise me. My mindset is that this is the only time i will be able to do this. But the fact is, i don't even enjoy it. I don't find it relaxing. I do think that it lets me be free, cuts off my inhibitions. I think it is good if you are having a conversation or dancing, things just become more true.
Today has been kind of boring. I mean, no real work. Just some random shit all day. Did get some chores done. But that's it.
Looking forward to shopping tomorrow.
I met, didn't really meet, Valentin today. I thoroughly ignored him.

Being a bad girl; words of wisdom

My last check in was just as i was dozing off. I was tired yesterday.
Balance is so important in life. Today i am just giving in to my heart and not my brain. Being a bad girl. And i feel guilty! God am i funny or what?!
Instead of just enjoying this. I sit and feel guilty. Oh my love, why can't you see...you will be fine. Don't be so afriad of your choices. I just defined it! I am too afraid of going wrong, of failure.
Be brave. Trust. Have faith. Be present. Respect time.
Some words of wisdom for me-

The passage of time is scary, yes. I know, you hate it when a whole month passes by, in a blink of an eye. But tell me, my love. What can you do about it? Will fearing time or mourning time bring it back? Most certainly not. So here is my say. Live IN time and WITH time. Suck every moment dry. Be present in it. Relish the time you have. Respect it. Feel it. That is what you can best do.

You plan your month and your week and your day. But everytime you are giving into what your heart desires, what your brain says is not right, you are riddled with guilt. Unable to enjoy your desire. How very funny! My dear, oh my dear, you think too much. You are too afraid, too afraid of your choices, fearful of the future. What if you give in to temptation, and you become unsuccessful in your missions? You must keep working hard. But you are also sick of working hard. You crave breaks. My love, it is all about balance. And you strive for it.
Jusy don't think so much. You have thought and made the decision to lust, so lust, lust hard. And soon you decide to work hard, right then, work, work hard. See your decisions through. Don't look back.

Life is best when it is in accordance with your principles. Strive to stay in line with them. Otherwise, discontentment, disappointment.

Wow, nice write ups, huh. Life is good. Being relieved at the right hours. No work overload. Good planning. Good execution. Keep it up girl!
I notice, i come here less often when i am not confused, well planned and well in action.

It is so sexy to be strong, so sexy to be knowledgeable.

The best day of residency?

I was so organized today. I did all the things i wanted to. It was kind of constant. But i expected that. And that is how it should be. My week planning is killing it. It is just a matter of following through.
Tired..
I am such a sucker for stars and city lights and the moon. They just kind of stop time for me.
Being confident is everything.
Adjusting swiftly to your environment is the deal.
Good night....

Yesterday

The work rush....whoooo...woke up feeling a little less good but forced on gratitude. Work was good, good cases, good load. Not the crazy load. Then after a brief social break which i felt was unnecessary but was actually necessary, more cases. Good load. My seniors shared on the load. They were the good ones. And then sleep. Then an untimely case, pissed me off, but i held my own.
The best part off yesterday, i would say was the early canteen breakfast with friends. Good company, beautiful dawny light, hunger and hot breakfast in the biting cold.
I am often confronted with thoughts of, "man, i have this now, i won't have it later, i should not get used to this or enjoy this lest i be disappointed later." But i know, it is such a sucky mindset. You just have to enjoy the now. And not worry about the future. Make the most of now. The future will take care of itself.
I still think about Valentin. I thought and hoped to see him yesterday but that didn't happen and that did disappoint me a teeny tiny bit. But i was resilient. I mean, he hardly matters now.
I often try to find faults with Valentin, try to blame things on him. But i know, he did nothing. Precisely, he did nothing and that is wrong. But not that wrong. Nothing i wouldn't have done myself. Oh Valentin, what have you done.

With me

Why hello there, i feel so weird right now. This is different. I am not used to so much me time. Hilarious, isn't it. Last week, i was craving for this and bitching about the incessantness, and now...
I chose this schedule for myself. I like it. But it is different. I am so used to friends and outings and pacs in the evening.
Looks like i need to spend time with friends or deal with this feeling. It is true, it is scary to sit with your own thoughts.
Worries, fears crop up.
The day began with a phone call i was proud of. I spoke so well. Knowing me, it was a difficult task. But i guess, a year and a half in Anesthesia has honed my communication skills. Long way to go to reach the Dale Carnegie way but i would like to believe i am on the way.
Then came the cases. I was asked by my senior to attend to the most high risk case with her. Man! People wanted to be where i was. But i was the chosen one. Muhahaha.
It was pretty incessant, the work. Hectic at it's best. But it ended on time. I was relieved in time. And really, that makes a lot difference. Being freed an hour late, robs you off your hour.
Going to the gym feels good everytime. I never, if not rarely, regret going to the gym. Proud of myself for overcoming the laze, the "too many boys" fear and just going out there and building muscle.
Binged a little bit. Oops. Who's being a bad girl? Well i just got carried away.
Overall, i feel a kind of neutrality, an eerie neutrality if i may say so. The future and it's uncertainty scares me. That i may fall short scares me. I want to take all the right decisions. I am afraid of wrong decisions.

Integrity; Dad

Today i am happy, i feel content. I attribute that to going to gym and killing it there. Man! I was badass. Or so i would like to think. At any rate, i got over my fear of working out in front of boys and just focused on my workout and did it. I got over my fear and completed my goal. That made me feel good. Not just that, i also got over my temptation to eat out or order in. I ate a good meal from the canteen. It was economy too.
I could not study because i met with other obstacles but i still feel good. Because i did read today. It was a start. And i plan to read the whole time or maximum time tomorrow during call.
Today was a good day. See how living with integrity makes you feel.
Oh and the other bomb today, i told dad about my idea. He gave me good insight but discouraged me, as i had expected. It hurt a little but i expected it. And it is not stopping me. I do not become the victim now. Yo!
The main part was me talking to him and communicating with him in the first place! That was kind of a connecting moment for us. And i feel we need more of that. God...i am so emotional when it comes to dad.
I had good energy today. See what rest does to you. One needs rest and sleep.
I also realized that i am kind of using Lie Mechanisms when it comes to Valentin, to get over the rejection or whatever. Not looking at the facts and making assumptions. I dream about chatting freely with him. Tomorrow we are on call together. I wonder what will happen. There was a time when the best part about calls were that they were with him. Now, the best part about calls is that i get to study.

Day one man! Adrenalized; Valentin; Holidays and weddings

Oh man, it is so late and i should sleep but i can't and i have a full on working day tomorrow.
My sleep pattern had been stay up at night and sleep the day for the past few days. Man, the past few days were fucking amazing. And plus, i have been adrenalized by an idea that popped in my mind.
Also, ever since my "breakup", i have been falling into my old patterns. Listening to korean music, thinking about my career and dreams, eating food...this is good. Well basically i was on a different mission last year. Was i conscious of the fact that i was changing? I was always just so pre -occupied. I knew i was putting everything else aside.
Today things happened. And  i feel very good. Valentin and I met properly today, kind of, for the first time since our talk. To begin with, he spoke to me, kind of. That made me feel good. Not because i like it when he talks to me but because i don't want there to be awkwardness between us. It was a relief that he spoke to me. Then we spoke during dinner. From the way he spoke it seemed like he was not too thrilled about getting married. He was basically just trying to process the fact himself. He was not too excited about losing his bachelor life. He also doesn't really know the girl he is getting married to, nor the family she is from. I couldn't tell, if he was happy or what about this marriage thing.
And this told me stuff about him. He really doesn't stand up for what he wants. He really doesn't communicate.
And then another fact was revealed. The girl is stinking rich. So, that kind of explains everything...why he is getting married...so fast.
I kind of feel sorry for him. And all this makes me feel good. But it's so mean of me, to be happy in his "sadness". I think i am more happy simply because i understand the situation better.
I was blue today during quite a few moments. First one was when i came to know that all the boys went to Valentin's house. That made me feel bad stuff.
Second was when i saw my senior all dressed up. That made me feel many bad stuffs.
Third was when i was waiting for some friends to go my very good friend's engagement.
The gist. You feel bad when you don't follow through your desires. It is one things when you try your all and it fails. But if don't try at all, choose comfort over you desire, you feel bad, discontented, regrets. So follow through. And be wary of your decisions.
Not going to the wedding was my decision, a poor one i feel in retrospect. Although i had a good time here, great time even, that would have been an awesome experience.
Last check in was last night, i believe. Since then,
Beautiful, sound, awesome sleep.
Lovely brunch - chocolate cake, red wine, chakna, game of thrones...what is life!
Room jam session
Shopping
Getting ready for engagement
Engagement. Lovely time with friends.
Valentin diaries.
Room time. Adrenalized.
Winding down. Coming back to you.

Why do i feel Valentin asked his friends to hook me up with people? Valentin looking out for me? My head making things up? God, how we personalize stuff!
I am beginning to think Nina is boring, shallow, a little jealous but very sweet and nice and helpful. Also Savannah is far long behind in self development.

Peace.love.balance.