Lots to talk

So from where should i begin...
Loneliness. Love. A loving partner. Him. Let's begin with this topic.
I have begun to crave for this. I just feel like it will so nice if i had that man, who would take care of me, fulfil every wish of mine, hold me, love me, kiss me, hug me. Wouldn't it be nice. And i would finally lose that label "unmarried girl". Because man is that a wrong label for a 26 year old girl to have. Somebody i can call up to have tea, lunch, dinner and breakfast with. Someone who understands my dreams, helps me with them.
Well tell me one thing love, are you really going to burden this guy with all these responsibilities. Will you expect him to do all these things? I mean, what is the role of a partner anyway? Why do we need one? I feel like expecting anything from your partner is wrong. I mean, why should it be his responsibility to take care of me. Should i not be able to do that for myself. He is not my parents. And i am not a child either. Why should it be his responsibility to fulfil my every wish. That is just wrong. He is not Santa. Lol. The physical bit. Well now, this, i think i would expect. Because i can not do this for myself. Will you expect him to come running at every call of yours? Will you. It will definitely be wrong to expect this. He will have his life. It is not his job to listen to your troubles and provide solutions. It is not his job to give you company at every meal, simple because you cannot deal with having it alone in public. Because you think people will think "oh poor girl, she is so lonely, she is eating alone, thank god i have friends". Your insecurity. Are you going to burden him with it. So basically i am very confused as to what the role of a partner is anyway. And at some level, i do not want to be a social outcast. I know i want a partner because i want to be socially acceptable and i really do think it is time physically. Those are the facts.
With him, i kind of was always clear. I have to accept the rejection and i am being friendly with. My thought out decisions.
Moving on. The beach trip. Time for the talk. Let me put out words that come to mind when i think about it.
Confusing. Fear ridden. Fear again. Worry. Frustrations. Unbelievable sights. Hot. Motion sickness. Terrifying ride. Fun at the beach. Amazing breakfast. Yummy fish. Private clean beach awesomeness.
I would say it was equal parts positive and negative. I have already talked about the mental challenges in another blog. I might revisit it. I do not know why i refuse to look at the photos from the trip. On monday i thought they would bring the negatives back, just looking at them. And then i kind of just decided to not look at them and i did not find time either.
The post trip call day was also full of negatives. Pretty much on the same lines.
Vague fears. I think you state dictates on what lines you think. A problem based fearful line. Or a decisive, solution based one. On monday i was tired and so my mental state was crappy. I kept having fears. Come tuesday i was better. Wednesday, even better. I am so proud that i am taking efforts to live with integrity. And i feel like it is becoming a habit.
Moving on to studies. I am so far behind. It hurts. What am i doing about it. Nothing. Like i should study today. But it is not even a possible option. I am deciding to stay in knee deep water going deeper. Do i have a plan. I do. I have my set times and days. I cannot do more at this moment. Not with the amount of work. I just feel like i need to be more i integral with it. Just like i am with gym.
My compulsiveness to know my emotions. It is quite good i would say. Being mindful of your emotions is good. What am feeling right now. What am i doing right now. I just stop and ask myself these questions. And i do not feel rested until i know the answer. Not everyone is like this. Not everyone has gone through what you have. I decide it is quite okay to think like this. I qas worrying it is abnormal. My answer is...it is not abnormal. It is different. It is how a self actualized person thinks. Self actualization is a path i have chosen. Not everyone needs it. Not everyone knows it. Even fewer in my society.

So am i done...with all topics...

Parents. Glad i am keeping check on their health.
Brother. Why do i not meet him. Why does he not meet me. We don't need to. But we do. More efforts should be taken here. And with old friends.