Getting worked up and turning down

Stimulation is not bad, i realize. It is...well...activites...things that make our day and hence our lives. And in between the stimuli lies the "being with my thoughts". And that isn't bad or good or anything either. It is just thinking. Multiple thoughts of all varieties will pop up, come and go, ebb and flow.
The thing is...just being with thoughts can be uncomfortable if you have been with prolonged stimulation. And it is an important part. Because it is kind of an assessment or realization of the stimuli. Both are important. None is complete without the other, i feel.
Balance.
.....

I come into my room after a 36 hour shift...and my hand reaches for my cell phone to turn on music. It is almost like i can't take the silence after all the happenings. But i stop myself and just lie for a while, instead. Then after sometime, i feel "turned down". It's like that. Getting worked up and then turning down.
.....

......

Play of thoughts

I am the only one who feels this way. Do i think too much. Am i mad. Am i going mad.
Some of my thoughts-
This is different. I am not used to being in this room, at this time. It feels different.
What am i going to do for dinner.
Should i study.
I want to research mental health.
I want to watch a movie.
Tomorrow is monday, ot day.
Will he be there tomorrow.
I wanted to do some room chores.

I have been judging my thoughts. Mostly as bad.
I am not doing anything. I am just being with my thoughts. Different thoughts are coming and going.
I have nothing to be happy, going to rephrase that as excited for.
I have nothing to be sad about.
My mood is neutral.

It is like either you are doing some activity or you are not. When you are, it is no problem, you are lost in it. But when you are not, you are left, left with just your thoughts. And you can go interpreting them in many ways, you can go judging them.  Just be aware of this.

It was a good day, I'd say. Busy in it's own way. Need to work on my social skills. Need to study. But again chose not to today. Be aware of this too. You are willingly making a choice to procrastinate studies.

Once again, my mood is...no...i would say it has dipped. It is dipping into fear. Fear of being disturbed at night.
Do not fear my love. It is okay. Even if you are it is okay. You will make it.

Tomorrow morning; life purpose

Tomorrow morning, i know, i know myself, I'm going to wake up not wanting to wake up. Wishing to sleep in. Feeling like work is becoming too much. Truth is work is not too much. Sleep is a little less.
I can sleep earlier. That will make sleep an important priority. And for me it is. I should know this about myself.

Insight - " prioritize. Weigh the risk benefits. "

I was thinking about my life purpose. And i realized i needed some thinking to do. I need to see myself ten years from now, clearly. Yes, when i thought about this i was not doing anesthesia. It can be defined more so, now.

Insight

"Just stop and look around. Just look. Your life is pretty pretty damn amazing. Like something out of a mocie scene. Like art. Be grateful. Be happy. Realize."

Musings by Moi

"Every day, every moment is an opportunity to become a better version of yourself, to put yourself in a  supreme state of mind."

"Recognizing the problem and even before that recognizing your discomfort, that negative feeling, is the first step. Then comes the action to cure. And then comes the peace. Lest you wish to stay where you are, in the puddle of negativity. And trust me when i say, it is not a productive or pretty place to stay."

Took leave

Hello. So, where do i begin.
Should i begin with i am proud of taking steps out my the routine and out of the comfort zone to address my needs. It takes effort to address your needs.
Glad i took leave today to recharge myself.
Life has been in the fast lane with lots of calls and activities. I have been binge eating. I may be over acting, i realize.
Monday, was Savannah's birthday. But still i snuck in some personal activities. Round of applause.
Tuesday, i was on call. It was busy.
Wednesday, i was almost on call. Still snuck in some personal activities. Round of applause again.
Thursday, i fell ill. Rested.
Friday, that is today, asked for me time, took leave. Will leave for call soon.

Felt fearful of this beautiful time coming to an end. But a change of perception after quick identification of faulty thinking pattern and a reminder of the sheer truth, put me in my place.

I would like to work from a peaceful state of mind. You know, calm and composed and working. Using the adrenaline to, shunting it to increase focus. But staying calm. And focused to increase action speed.

It has been a long tine since adsib. Miss it.

Sick

So tired, sore throated, sleepy.....
Change of posting today. Didn't see Valentin today morning. Mind went on story telling mode.
Did cross paths with him though. It was like he was some stranger.
Crushing on JP. Cooper's September Song.
Need some me time.
Lots of negativity today. I want a break. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to rest. But i have to. Is it more physical or mental. Both are connected no doubt. Both are there.
Knowing what to do...is the trick. Seeking the truth is the trick.
I don't want to share my things with her. But when she has something i hope she will share it and she happily shares it.
Stress.
"Not fair. Just share it."
"Ughh.." and pull away from her. Talk less to her.

Can my parents stay with me forever? I miss them. But i can't go to them because they are also toxic. But there is so much love here. So deep. Unquestionable.

Eyes little heavy.
Nose partially blocked.
Throat hurts.
Body lethargy.
Sleepy but not comfortable to sleep.

My diet is a cause of concern. I am eating too much. And all the wrong things.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Tomorrow i will eat better.
I will...no...
I have a fine psychology. I look through the positivity lens.

What an opportunity to learn how to work in a relaxed mind state...a calm mindset.

Wassup

Everytime i remember the beach trip i am filled with happiness. The beach, the stars, the ocean and everything was beautiful. And it makes me go - "i was actually there and it was unbelievable but i was there in that amazing place."
It was a beautiful memory. I just questions - why does the fact that i was there make me feel so happy? Being over there in real time was less happy to be honest. I mean it was amazing no doubt but the memory seems better somehow.
Why?
It hurts me when my juniors answer questions that i don't have a clue to. What do i choose to do about it - nothing, continue feeling hurt.
Sometimes love does not come naturally for a close friend, especially after a prolonged separation. Is distance that powerful? With parents it is so special though. Nothing matters.
My tendency for certainty is getting the best of me, i notice. How i need a quiet environment to sleep. How i need to know my plans ahead. Well, something we can work on, no?
It hurts when i think that people think that she is rejected girl. It hurts that people think that i was in love with him even though i was not.
I wonder, will i ever find the guy i am looking for.
And i think, what more issues do i have. But nothing comes to mind. I am good. Life is good. Life is amazing. Too damn amazing.

Life in the fast lane

It has been a ride. From call to post call to call to post call to call again.
Life in the fast lane it is. I am literally craving for some "me time". Just me. Just me and peace.
When was the last such time...i try to recall. I'd say....can't remember.
Anyway some more go go left. Goodnight.

Hi diary. God am i sleepy or what. I am just sleppy.......mmmm
.......mm..m
..

Like a boss

Right so...i want to jump right to it. Just a little while ago i saved a life by intubating a rapidly desaturating young female. I made the assessment and the decisions. I gave the orders. Like a boss. It was an amazing feeling, amazing experience.
And talking to her family, eliciting her history was sad. So young and so on the verge of losing her life. God bless her.
Today was...good. Begun with some excitement. An inter-departmental fight. I was asked to do some detective work. Fun. Then a storm of chores came upon me. Delivery of books, delivery of home food, prep for icu, coordinating colleagues, pacs...all at once. But again i handled it like boss...like boss.
Then came a dull time. Icu work. It was...work...and i just don't find it fun, to try to figure out what is wrong with the patient but give the same treatment anyway. And it is not even not my primary job to find the wrong. I am an anesthesiologist. I like giving anesthesia, taking people under. You just don't see outcomes here. And so...
Interacting with people was fun. Being flirted with was fun.

Ninth February

Hello there. Life is going well. I have been making decisions that have been making me good abouy myself. I am doing things i want to do. I am taking action! So that is good.
Everythen now and then i do make some disappointing decisions and actions but it's a part of growing...no?
Today was good. Today the ot was fun. Lots of chores. Not letting them overwhelm me. Taking it step by step.
There was some royal Valentin awkwardness today. I mean i didn't know if i was his friend or not. And he didn't either. It was super awkward. I know what to do about it.
I felt like i wasted time with Savannah today. But i can't be selfish i realize. It is a two way street. Both parties needs must be heeded. I am wise now. Wiser now, i correct.
I love how badass i am in the gym.
I love how i made the spontaneous decision to go to the library today.
Two things i never regret after doing - gymming and studying #nuggetofwisdom
And here i am now winding down.
I should learn to vocalize more specifically. #truth

Shout at her day

Well today has been all about people shouting at me because i didn't meet their expectations.
And i am okay with it because it really wasn't my fault. But you know, the negative energy isn't pretty.
My seminar was a disaster. I should truly be ashamed. What am i taking from this? I need to present many more seminars. At least, one every week. It makes sense to pick up a long question and present a seminar on it. My next aim is to prepare the pre anesthetic assessment of IHD.
In other news, i have been feeling this vague dissatisfaction of sorts and a desire for too much perfection. A very sucky position to be in.
That is the thing about calls. I also get this feeling when i am at home just after work and i don't have any plan but i know i have work to do. It is an itch to do something but a loss of direction, if i may say so. Loss of direction, confusion. Me and my need for certainty. God help me!
Formulating a plan seems to work for me. And lets see how that goes for me today.

Lucky me

Okay here we go...i really feel like connecting with myself today. I feel like i am slowly drifting to that land of lostness. It is not pretty. I need certainty for peace of mind.
So here i am. Sprawled comfortably on my bed converted to sofa, very well fed, body stretched out and tired, done for the day, with a pretty candle lit in my room and all lights out. Am i lucky or what? Like seriously, am i lucky or what? So grateful right now.
So February began. And i don't have a plan yet. Probably why i am getting that feeling again.
I also feel lucky to have met a friend like Savannah. I often hope that she will behave the way i want her to, that she will give me prime precedence always. I get possessive at time. But i have learnt to give her her space. And realize that she is not my toy. She has her own preferences and dreams.
Work has been frustrating. A hectic routine ot. Emergencies are never peaceful. It is the working with seniors and keeping upto their expectations that is difficult. So many of them with varied attitudes and expectations. And it has all fallen upon me. I think once i set me plan for Feb everything will become tolerable.
Let me talk about how i ate today. I ate so well, oh my god! I have satisfied my great craving. I having longing to hog on pav bhaaji for so long now. And i had a good appetite today evening. So i went for it. And man did i eat. It was yummy, yummy, yummy. I feel full. Reminds me of the days i used to hog on pav bhaaji at home.
Mmm.
I feel kind of emotional today. I miss mommy and daddy. Hearing their voice felt so good. I actually miss them and Polo and home. I miss home. Never thought i would say that. As toxic as that environment is these are my people and i know them to their bones and i love them and i would happily die for them. So what i meant...emotional alright.
I noticed myself falling on old patterns when it comes to Valentin. But i realized it and went in the other direction. Pretty okay there. Doesn't matter much now. He chooses how close we stay ahead of this.

Another adsib

I want to talk about sitting in the canteen or a cafe alone and having tea. Why does that bother me. Is it because it is boring. Is it because i am afraid people might think i don't have friends, that i am a social outcast. Of course i know it is foolish to act depending on what people might think. But i am a human living in a society and i must play by the society's rules.  And when was it a rule that you must not have tea alone. It is a rule to dress right, to behave right but not a compulsion to have company at every meal. To be real, i don't think people think anything at all. Everyone has their own life to be  with.
I am proud that yesterday i identified my need and asked for it. I also acted decisively.
I had a thoroughly enjoyable time yesterday. I had doubts about my company. But i guess, every friend has their own thing that you can enjoy. And i did that with the people i went with yesterday. I reached a happy high, enjoyed some flirting and a posh ambience.
And man did i get a good sleep later on or what. A really good sleep! After a while I'd say. Then on, it has been a nice adsib today. Life Is Good, Real Good.

Pearls of wisdom; the past two days

Yesterday evening was an interesting one. It reminded me of the old days. Not the good old days, the bad old days. The days when i would frolick, very conveniently ignoring the studying at hand, believing it will get done. But rarely did it. And then would come the wave of guilt and self disgust. I was doing the same yesterday. But i am wiser now. I realized quickly that i was falling into that pattern. And i wish could say that but i acted kind of half heartedly. What could have been done in 2.5 hours maximum turned into 3.5 hours something.
I have another pearl of wisdom i recently realized which works for what happened yesterday -
Do what you have to do 'properly' 'once'. Or spend more time and energy doing the same thing.
So true. Works for little day to day things too.
But simply the fact that i devoted an entire evening to studies made me feel good. It was a good evening. Making a presentation whilst sipping hot herbal tea on my bed...a picture that seems like it is out of some movie.
I dreamt a violent dream that night, attributed it to a thriller i saw before going to sleep.
Then came the 3rd of February. Woke up longing for the weekend. But showed up anyway. Yay me! It was call day.
There was a Valentin saga that evening. His behaviour is...i want to say mean but I'll say weird. He does not want to talk to me, does not want to look at me, he wants to ignore me. And i would be fine with this if, if he maintained this attitude. Just a few days before yesterday, he enquired after me, told me news, began conversation with me. Why such confusing behaviour? Do i deserve to be treated like this? It is funny how with him my questions remain the same, no matter what our position is. It is always about whether i deserve to be treated the way he does. The fact is that his actions still matter to me. Such behaviour from another guy would not mean this much to me. Funny. My thinking is that i gave too much importance to this guy for too long. And it is not going to go away overnight. The old me would not have thought this way. The oldest me would have said "i still love him", the older me would have said "if these are the feelings i am feeling then this must mean i still love him". Now i say "these feelings are old conditioning. He is not an important person in my life anymore."
I wonder how far off am i from the old age kind of wisdom. Does this make my aim- "to be wiser for my years."
Valentin has gone to a music festival i always wanted to go to and he will be meeting his fiance over there, a position i wanted to have. How does that make me feel? I want to say jealous of that girl. And i think i am, just a little bit. Because really, whether or not Valentin will make a good partner is a question i cannot answer. May he will, may be he won't. There is no way to know. So overall, i am reqlly okay with it. A tad bit sad, jealous but full of understanding and wishing for a romantic partner. Even though, i do not know why o want a romantic partner anyway. My life is pretty damn perfect right now.
I was so stressed yesterday night, over whether i will be able to get a good sleep. And anybody trying to get in the way was a villain. I went to sleep with call related worry and Valentin confusion.
Here is another pearl of wisdom -
"Be good to everyone, by everyone i really mean everyone. You never whose help you need. And do not believe that you do not need help, you are only human."
"Give people a little part of yourself and they are yours forever."