Trying to understand my 'lost-ness' last week

Sitting before my computer desk, with a cup of piping hot green tea by my side, played smooth RnB music, Korean to be precise and surfing the net, writing a diary entry; i am reminded of the good old days at home. When i used to do just this, locked in my room, feeling so content, at peace, safe. I kind of stopped doing all of the things i used to back then. Partly and majorly at that because of hectic residency and partly because i was on a mission. And my mission kept me restless. May be i was kind of changing myself for another person even though i would like to deny this fact, may be i wasn't. But i was always thinking about it. It kept me busy.
At any rate, i am glad to be back here. This, this is my comfort zone, my place to recharge, to centre and align myself.
Just a few days ago, i was lost, confused and troubled. I just...felt lost I guess and decided i wanted an off to figure out what the hell was going on. But today, on my off day, i wonder what's wrong AF. Everything seems right, in place. What i felt two days ago, i don't feel right now.
My thoughts two days ago were mainly those of exhaustion of the incessantness of work. I think it was me being cribby, if that's a word. I used to wake thinking "do i have to?". And i interpreted it as "i don't feel good, something is wrong." Nothing was wrong, i just had face the discomfort for working. Then at work, the constant cases and then sudden silence making me think "what to do now, what am i doing in life". It kind of confuses me and catches me off guard. And before i come to an understanding with it, i am drawn into work again. I realize, that i am just interpreting the silence in a wrong way.
I have very clearly figured out my spiritual practice and my goals and dreams. It is the execution part that needs work.
My understanding of last weeks confusion- work overwhelming me. Not leaving room for other things i wanted to do. Work breaking my routine. And my need for certainty being smashed. It is difficult for me to be sure that is the answer because i have not fully realized the thoughts and facts that transpired in last week's events. That's the thing, you need to know the facts and your thoughts. You need mindfulness.
That is what i am working on. Mindfulness. Every six hours or so. Facts and thoughts.
Like right now, "Tomorrow also an holiday, another day for myself, do anything i want, great, certainty and comfort ensured. Tomorrow, some work to be done. Oh damn, work."
What i link to pain to, what i link pleasure to. My need to avoid pain and my need to gain pleasure. Herein lies the dance.
When i think like this, i am avoiding pain, pain of waking up early and rushing to work and "working",i link this to pain. I link work to pain. Old conditioning.
How very interesting are our brains. And it is funny i didn't realize this during my spiritual practice last week. You really need to think.

Dangal

A person who cares for you, who puts you before themselves, gives you a part of themselves; life is about those people. For them, you would move mountains. For them, you would give yourself, your life too. And luckiest, oh so lucky are those who has such people in their lives.
I am fortunate. I truly, truly am.

Nothing great ever comes out of routine. You have to have fire, passion, patience, discipline, hard work...sweat and blood.

Amazing movie. Dangal.
Inspiring.

Multiple miss my dad moments.

Never forget where you come from. Never put 'other' people before 'your' people. No matter what...social status, money matter...everything be damned.

Dissection

Feeling.
Positive. Satisfied. Anxious.

Events. Decisions.
Last check in - the day Kend asked me to move on (i did that a long time ago honey).
Bought jeans. Studied them. Had fun. Felt lonely. Tried to comfort myself with food. Skipped night routine. Bad decision. Slept by 1, i guess.

*lost content*

Talking to Savannah felt very good. Felt a connection. Felt good to hear her weekend story. Wanted to wrap up the day asap. And sleep. Skipped many night routine stuffs. But...listen to this....i could not sleep!!! Great.
Oh and i fell ill too. Post Kend talk day.
So, i was there, lying on bed at night, having skipped routines, so sacrificing it for sleep and not being able to sleep, stomach bloated, nose running, nose irritable, scalp itchy, cockroachy room...i was pissed. Woke up feeling crap, begging for sleep...

Off to work. Feeling lost at work.

Jacket stolen. Feeling sad.

Rushing to icu. Feeling lost.

Meeting Savannah. Feeling good.

Back to icu. Just giving in to work. Feeling good.

Social dinner. Need for significance fulfilled. Feeling good.

Back to icu. Working well. Feeling good.

AND HERE WE ARE.

Evaluation.
I think ever since i got back from my mini vacay, i am being left from ot at un godly hours...and that rules out gym. Also, i have been confused about new year plans. So, no fixed schedule. No time for self. And pms.

Verdict.
Last few days were tough. Plan more strategically. CATCH NEGATIVITY.

Valentin teachings

One sentence, ome word, one look can throw you off of your precarious balance.
I was fine today until Kend talked to me about Valentin.
He asked me to move on. He mentioned one very interesting thing too. That Valentin was getting married because...yes married, not engaged (hilarious)....because Valentin started liking Dominica (who is Kend's fiance btw and Dominica used to like Valentin). But Dominica was over Valentin. So Valentin finally gave in to his parents and is now getting married to some unknown girl.
I mean, isn't this such a perfect example of we make everything so personal.
I think Valentin is getting married because his parents insist and he sees no other option. Also he just does not have that in him to pursue love or do something that would require mountains to be moved.
I remember i used to make every action he took about me. But really it wasn't.
We make things personal. But it really is never about us.

How come it just has to 1 something am. before i fall asleep. Will i ever be able to go to bed at 10 pm. And then tomorrow morning i will craving for sleep.

I want to face Valentin and talk to him, about everything, freely. But he is such a reserved person. So closed. And now that he is going to get married, even more so.
Hell, I'm done spending energy on the guy. He taught me stuff.
He taught me to express my feelings.
He taught me to be bold and take steps.
He got me ready to accept marriage.
He taught me to always consider all possibilities.
Thank you Valentin.

I felt a tad bit lonely today. All friends either getting into relationships or have families. I just have myself. And i realize how amazing this is. I am lucky.

I love my job

Barring the first few months, there has never been a day when i thought that my work was boring. If there is one thing about Anesthesia it is that it cannot be boring. And only someone who practices it can know this. You just never know what will happen. And you must always be prepared. And you are functioning at the most crucial of levels - direct human lives. One mistake on your part and it is a straight ticket to heaven (or hell...lol) for the patient.

The sleep quality at home was not that good. The post workout and stretch sleep is the real shit.

I really do feel refreshed after my weekend vacation. I feel more oriented, more grateful.

I am feeling a tad bit stressed over the coming wedding weekend and the work that is to go in it to make it a success. I know it will be worth it.

Also the soon arrival of new year is leaving me nostalgic, begging for more.

A day spent in bed; trust in timings

And this is how my "day spent in bed" ends. Damn was it beautiful or what. I really love me my solitude don't i.
Good food, good rest, good entertainment, no obligations - bliss.
How does going back to my incessantness feel to me. Although i wish for another day like today, i feel like i have to get back tomorrow and i know i will enjoy tomorrow. This was just what i needed to go back with a bang.

The thought of him and her still makes me feel something un pleasant. Don't know what it is. What is it?....
Sadness. Hurt.
But really need to get over it. Accept the truth. Know it is for the best.
Not to judge the thoughts. They will come and let them come.
Trust in timings. :-)

Why?

It's funny, how the peace i had restored in my mind was disrupted by one small news, how that balance was swung one way.
Am i making a big issue of it? Over reacting? How real are my feelings? Why am i feeling them when i had explained it all to myself?
With work you don't even realize where the day goes. I wonder if that's good or bad.
I just fantasized about my weekend. A weekend to myself. May be I'll write yearly entry...finally.
With him i realized i was using him to fulfil my need for significance.
I don't understand. Some thought of old times, old dreams and expectations pops up and leaves me in mist of emotions. Earlier it used to be a mist of hope primarily. Now it's just sadness.
Funny this is what it took for me to get ready to marry. I knew from the outset where this was going to go. Well, kind of. I did not expect him to get engaged, at all. But i knew we were not going to be. The surprises for me are my unexpected feelings. I so did not expect to feel so much.
But i know, this is the nonsense automated shit. We have control over our emotions. We can master them.

Morning blues

Before i met him, I was averse to the idea of getting married. I didn't want to. I was not ready. I loved my life.
After meeting him, i felt like i could marry him. I was averse to the idea of marriage, still. But if it was with him, then i was ready.
And now when he is marrying another girl, i feel kind of desperate for a "partner". Somewhere inside i have immature thought that i want to get married before him. That he should have to see it.
With him as my crush, i was satisfying a need of mine. And now there is hollow left there. I wonder what need and how to fulfil it.
I woke up in pain. The sheer incessantness of my schedule and him with her. Gratitude...is what i need to practice.
I had a lovely wine and dine with my girls yesterday. It felt shallow, in a way.

Him...and her.

I feel amused. Really.
The thoughts...
She is not hot. What did he see in her? Thank god, i'm more hot.

She is still an intern. A baby, so much to learn, so much more development remaining. And he said yes to her? Why? I mean, with me he would have been at a different level. Does he realize what he lost?

He really does not know what he wants from life, what life is about...he is just cruising through it and he still has long ways to go. I always knew he ways to go. I just thought he was good raw material. Lol. May be, i have ready made awesomeness in store for me.

But this just made me realize what a wrong choice i could have made, no, not really, it could have right or wrong, i will never know. What i do know is that the best thing will happen for me. And this is true with everything in life. You never know. You just don't.

The choices he made, don't make him fit into my criteria. Although i feel a little weird and i feel like it will be difficult for me to face him and all the people in the face of his engagement, i also feel i will deal with it all, it will make me stronger, i am glad for it, i was saved. He is not what i thought he was. One of main things with him was a liberal family background and that does not seem to be so. I was saved. I need my freedom.

They look good together. But that shit is subjective.

That edge, that fire, that purity, he won't get that. I wonder, does he know what he lost...someday, he will regret it.

It does hurt that he chose her. Was it circumstances that made him choose her? Could he not fight the circumstances for me? He didn't want me enough. So while it does hurt or rather i wonder, i do not want 'us' to be either.

The hopeless romantic

His smile still makes my day. His not being there still breaks my day. Well, kind of.
I still picture him when i see a mushy romantic movie. I imagine us holding hands. I imagine us having dinner. Or driving off to somewhere beautiful.
Somewhere inside me, i know this is all a made story. And the truth is something else. But still, all this happens to me. And i still think of him. I wonder how long it will take, to heal my heart.
It wasn't broken, but it was definitely bruised. Hell, what's life without a few bruises.
I wonder if he will steal glances to look at me. I hope he will. But i know he won't.
I wonder if he might just say something or do something for whatever reason, for me, even if in a drunken haze. But i know he won't.
Why could he not see it, what we could have been. Why does he not go after what he wants. But then i know, if someone really wants something, they do go get it. You just have to want it. And timing is a bitch.
I wonder, when will i live my mushy romantic tale.

Lots of love
- the hopeless romantic.

Took my day off. And damn, really damn! It feels so good. Finally got my stretch. Ate till my stomach was full. Just like i used to at home. Not good but yeah...
Glad i took it.

Morning feels

Suddenly felt this over whelming need to connect. Nothing really transpired since the last time. But i had some feels in the morning. Again i felt the incessantness of my schedule crashing down upon me. Again, i know, it was just me being lazy.
I have managed to get the weekend and a mini leave. But i fear someone might take it away from me. In residency, you must always be ready for it. Always.
I am trying to shape up my academics. But i need to really try here. Make it a priority. I don't even have a direction right now. Set rituals and stuff.

All about him, more about him and more

Oh my god, what was that i felt. I was told that he posted cases today. Last two emergencies were with him. I was kind of looking forward to our post- talk face off. But there were no cases.
And today he posts two cases, right when the rules change and i am posted in the icu instead of the ot. Also he did not inform me the cases. Crazy....
Also it was so fucking clear that we are literally hiding from each other. He sees me and runs away. I see him and do the same. Even though i don't mean to. Crazy...
I did not want things to be like this in between us. I want is to be friends. I would have liked him to be the pebbles in my life. Not the sand.
Let us see how it goes. Because we are going to have to face each other, sooner or later. I don't like how immaturely he behaves. Like, grow up man.
What surprised me was how i felt after i heard he was where i was supposed to be and that he did not tell me. I felt this...sadness. A dejavu, of old feelings, when i wanted to see him. Also hurt, that he is avoiding me.
But i was resilient about it. Because i know these feelings are a result of automated thoughts that are real shitty interpretations of the facts. Because he is a dead end...a end that is dead. I have done my part there.
Let us try to dissect this out.
Fact. He did two cases today. He did not tell me.
Interpretation. He deliberately posted them today because he knew i was not there. He is trying to avoid me.
Feeling. Hurt. Sad.

Alter interpretation. He does not decide to post cases. He knew you were in the icu so he did not tell you. He may be avoiding you. But so what, he rejected you. It is going to be awkward between both of you. You knew it. He is not mature enough to handle it coolly. You knew it. What else did you expect.
Feeling. Acceptance. Peace.

I will still try to be mature, handle it maturely and most importantly, communicate.

In other news, i notice a certain behaviour of mine. I sometimes pretend to be innocent to entertain others. Kind of nauseating...this behaviour of mine. Be authentic, genuine...is what i stand for.

There is just so much to learn. It is never-ending. Deal with it. Keep at it.

Drained

The last time I was here was....sunday evening....i think.
I feel so sleepy today. You know, that feeling when you just want to go curl up in your bed, and your eyes feel heavy, body needs a stretch. Man, i need to sleep. I am in a deficit.
The incessant cases of obgy are exhausting. I always feared this during my relaxed ortho posting days. But it is not so bad. I feel like i am growing much more here. Since i am not allowed to fool around, i am forced to either work or study. And that is good.
Glad with the way i am planning my days. The week wise plan seems to work well with me.
Ever since sunday it has been about work. Attended to a craniotomy patient who arrested at night. Then did a Wertheims hysterectomy case along with other work stuff. I was thoroughly exhausted by evening. But i still went to the gym, had a nice steam bath,a lovely dinner.
I have been making efforts to do my homework and tell it to my teachers. It makes a huge difference. You come to know what the fuck needs to be done. I am fortunate enough to have teachers at all!
Interesting how ever since my "breakup", i have been focusing on studies and "my" schedule (not his, lol). I had made him a priority. He was something i wanted. I chose to put everything else aside. I tried to strike a balance. But it was difficult with him as priority number one.
I am wondering if i should plan something this weekend, because i really just want to spend a day in bed.

Whirlwind

Trailed off into sleep world yesterday just as I was typing. Over 36 hours of activity, what did I expect.
I also took a step in the direction to improve daddy's health. I always get so caught up in work. And the nature of residency is such. But you know, it is about priorities and striking a balance. You decide, only you.
Seems like a whirlwind, the past...36 hours...especially for me, who needs a purge every 6 hours apparently.
Lets talk about right now. A break, is what I want. A break to have all my chores done, to be in a position to just binge watch tv for a whole day. Talk about balance! There are just to many things to do. I can't seem to put a finger on what I want. 
It feels great when you save a life. It was super exhausting to attend the icu call from the ot at 4 am. But the appreciation i received in return and the feeling of saving the patient made it worth while.
I took advantage of being a senior. And it felt good too.
I am also really glad with the way a handled my post call schedule by hitting to gym asap and then rejuvenating my body along with doing some chores. Although i would have loved to have more time to refresh my mind too.
One thing i realized, Dale Carnegie was so right. You have to be diplomatic and gentle in this world. Quarelling really doesn't cut it. I was pissed with the way some obgy surgeons talking and behaving yesterday and I kind of reflected it. But immediately regretted it.
Feeling stressed off late. Too much to do.
Which brings us to today and the sudden icu duty. I never liked icu duties for some reason. I think i associate it with nothing or time wastage.
I worry about how i am going to study.
I worry about losing oppurtunities.
I worry for daddy's health.
Surprisingly i don't worry about not finding love.

The call; priorities

The daily call from home, is everything to me, I just realized. I just imagined it. Not getting that call. The very thought, that.....I don't want to say it, it will deeply sadden me...I don't know, i don't know what it will do. I don't want to know.
But this realization just made me more grateful to my parents, my life. I love them, so much.
How fortunate am i, really! To be loved this much and be showered with so much wealth and health. My life is AMAZING.
I miss Polo...i miss my parents.
Funny how i am also glad i don't stay with them anymore. Funny how i deliberately don't answer their calls. Because i am out doing things they don't approve. Oh, and they don't approve of too many fucking things. Or because i just don't want them to get used to me answering their calls. They should be able to live without me...without me talking to them daily. They do, need to let me go.
I have once again been putting of the most important thing to me at the moment, daddy's health...................hhgcaiicwhj

Time out; the meet after the talk

So, it has been six hours. Yes, it has. Ten hours to be precise. Checking in.
Took my time today morning. Called up my workplace and said I didn't feel well, that I had stomach ache. Truth is I really didn't feel well but not because I needed physical rest. I needed time, time for my mind. "Me time." To just remind myself why I am doing what I'm doing, what I need to do...blah blah.
Felt good taking that time. Although i was judged for it. And i am sure many suspected i was faking my illness. But i decided to go ahead anyway. I come first. I am important.
Since then life has been a whirlwind of work. Constant and strenuous. I often felt like questioning my work. Funny i never felt like this in my ortho posting. May be it was because he was there. May be it was because it was chill.
At any rate, it feels good to be conscious like this. Actually, now that I think about it, i did feel lost many a times even last posting. The only difference is that this time, i question work, the sequence of work, the actions of work. Last month, i questioned my direction.
But i know, one look at my purpose, that i have thought and defined for myself and i will be clear. But i do need to remind myself of it.

Then i had a lovely time with my friends. A good talk, good food, happiness. One thing, you have to have like minded people to have a good time. You cannot have a good time if you know someone in the group is down. Which supports my claim that friend circles should be small, but plenty.

And then, oh my god and then, we met. We met for the first time after our talk. And it is awkward in a very comfortable way. Weird, right! We saw each other. He looked away. Clean shaven, he looked cute, as always. I came closer and literally asked my question to thin air, but he knew it was for him. He gestured an answer. Didn't speak it out. I smiled weirdly and left. The thing is that, not talking this time and the awkwardness this time was for a reason, known to both of us.
Previously it was me, trying to talk to him and him refusing to and then me wondering about it. Not anymore. This is good. Wish i had done it sooner. And this, is how, we learn.
How crazy is it, that we must learn through our mistakes. That we must make them, to learn.
I really love dissecting my life out like this. Why does everybody not do it? It is such a purge, puts me in another state.