Sitting before my computer desk, with a cup of piping hot green tea by my side, played smooth RnB music, Korean to be precise and surfing the net, writing a diary entry; i am reminded of the good old days at home. When i used to do just this, locked in my room, feeling so content, at peace, safe. I kind of stopped doing all of the things i used to back then. Partly and majorly at that because of hectic residency and partly because i was on a mission. And my mission kept me restless. May be i was kind of changing myself for another person even though i would like to deny this fact, may be i wasn't. But i was always thinking about it. It kept me busy.
At any rate, i am glad to be back here. This, this is my comfort zone, my place to recharge, to centre and align myself.
Just a few days ago, i was lost, confused and troubled. I just...felt lost I guess and decided i wanted an off to figure out what the hell was going on. But today, on my off day, i wonder what's wrong AF. Everything seems right, in place. What i felt two days ago, i don't feel right now.
My thoughts two days ago were mainly those of exhaustion of the incessantness of work. I think it was me being cribby, if that's a word. I used to wake thinking "do i have to?". And i interpreted it as "i don't feel good, something is wrong." Nothing was wrong, i just had face the discomfort for working. Then at work, the constant cases and then sudden silence making me think "what to do now, what am i doing in life". It kind of confuses me and catches me off guard. And before i come to an understanding with it, i am drawn into work again. I realize, that i am just interpreting the silence in a wrong way.
I have very clearly figured out my spiritual practice and my goals and dreams. It is the execution part that needs work.
My understanding of last weeks confusion- work overwhelming me. Not leaving room for other things i wanted to do. Work breaking my routine. And my need for certainty being smashed. It is difficult for me to be sure that is the answer because i have not fully realized the thoughts and facts that transpired in last week's events. That's the thing, you need to know the facts and your thoughts. You need mindfulness.
That is what i am working on. Mindfulness. Every six hours or so. Facts and thoughts.
Like right now, "Tomorrow also an holiday, another day for myself, do anything i want, great, certainty and comfort ensured. Tomorrow, some work to be done. Oh damn, work."
What i link to pain to, what i link pleasure to. My need to avoid pain and my need to gain pleasure. Herein lies the dance.
When i think like this, i am avoiding pain, pain of waking up early and rushing to work and "working",i link this to pain. I link work to pain. Old conditioning.
How very interesting are our brains. And it is funny i didn't realize this during my spiritual practice last week. You really need to think.
At any rate, i am glad to be back here. This, this is my comfort zone, my place to recharge, to centre and align myself.
Just a few days ago, i was lost, confused and troubled. I just...felt lost I guess and decided i wanted an off to figure out what the hell was going on. But today, on my off day, i wonder what's wrong AF. Everything seems right, in place. What i felt two days ago, i don't feel right now.
My thoughts two days ago were mainly those of exhaustion of the incessantness of work. I think it was me being cribby, if that's a word. I used to wake thinking "do i have to?". And i interpreted it as "i don't feel good, something is wrong." Nothing was wrong, i just had face the discomfort for working. Then at work, the constant cases and then sudden silence making me think "what to do now, what am i doing in life". It kind of confuses me and catches me off guard. And before i come to an understanding with it, i am drawn into work again. I realize, that i am just interpreting the silence in a wrong way.
I have very clearly figured out my spiritual practice and my goals and dreams. It is the execution part that needs work.
My understanding of last weeks confusion- work overwhelming me. Not leaving room for other things i wanted to do. Work breaking my routine. And my need for certainty being smashed. It is difficult for me to be sure that is the answer because i have not fully realized the thoughts and facts that transpired in last week's events. That's the thing, you need to know the facts and your thoughts. You need mindfulness.
That is what i am working on. Mindfulness. Every six hours or so. Facts and thoughts.
Like right now, "Tomorrow also an holiday, another day for myself, do anything i want, great, certainty and comfort ensured. Tomorrow, some work to be done. Oh damn, work."
What i link to pain to, what i link pleasure to. My need to avoid pain and my need to gain pleasure. Herein lies the dance.
When i think like this, i am avoiding pain, pain of waking up early and rushing to work and "working",i link this to pain. I link work to pain. Old conditioning.
How very interesting are our brains. And it is funny i didn't realize this during my spiritual practice last week. You really need to think.
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