Ah..life

Just feeling like letting out some steam.
Him. God. Everytime i remember the photograph of him and her, married, i feel weird...i can't describe what i feel. I can put down my thoughts though. "That could've been me. But may be it is for the best that it is not me. In fact i know it is best that it is not me.", "am i prettier than her?", "does he think about me at all".
I feel like all these are natural thoughts of mine. And i know they are immature. But i can't seem to not be able to think them. I also wish for him to be sad. Because he chose the rich girl. I would have done the same. But still, it makes him a coward and also un-wise. Overall, i think i am just going to force the yogi thoughts. Since they are not coming naturally. So..."they look good together, i think they will make a good couple. I hope he is happy." Man, that was forced. "He has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has done nothing that i myself wouldn't do. Just because things aren't working out for you doesn't mean you be jealous of others and wish ill for them. Grow up." Yes, he is immature. He did ignore me. And you reacted to that. Instead of communicating. It is on you too now. Communicating is hard for him too. Just know he did nothing wrong. He is immature. He just isn't meant to be a part of your life.

Coming to daily work. It is like. Run run run for your life or be scolded and be a slacker. Then be treated like a donkey. Do this and then do that. And then that and then that. And be scolded at for not doing anything very wrong. It is just some seniors who scold unnecessarily. Try to steal breaks. And return to room after this mayhem of scolds and rush and work with some more pending work and chores. And a wish to just relax.
How do i cope. I think it is a way of looking at it. And also some action is required. A combination of change of perception and action. Let's talk about action. Firstly reach on time. Do a pre op round. Then do your case. Help around in the ot. One thing after another. Finally do a post op and a pre op too if you have time. So yes, if you don't work which you should if you want to learn, you will be scolded. Be sincere and then you get the right to not tolerate other nonsense.
And a perception change being that it is not work work work and scoldings. It is doing cases and helping out in the ot.
I used to remind myself of my role models...kalyani and Ashwini maam. How they come to the ot and do cases and behave. Be like them.

I feel so guilty of not eaten right. Of eaten too much. Large portions. Need to enjoy food. And watch what I'm eating. Also cutting myself some slack. I am doing the best i can.