Hopes squandered

So it is sunday evening and i want to talk about feelings.
My day was frustrating because i was hoping for a chill day and it was a heavy day. Lots of work. I am now hoping for a chill night. Hopes squandered. Leads to disappointment. And frustration.
Being aware of how your mind is working is so important.
Throwback to last sunday. I slept by 10 something. I was back from a trek. Last month i had so many adsibs. This month i have one. It's okay.
I feel uncertain today. This newness is getting to me.

I am not doing anything. First time i got some free time since morning. And i want to talk to myself.

Anyway friday night i had a lot of fun with friends. We ate good food, drank good stuff and had good talks.
Also on friday i did an abdominal lump pediatric laparotomy.
Then saturday was another hectic ot day. 2 cases on my own in ga. Was fun controlling them. Then the gym.

I seem to be having a lot of fun at the gym looking at that guy. Just love the way he looks.

This is how i spend my days. And this is how i spend my life. My life is beautiful.

Sialo

A tinge of disappointment, a tinge of fear, a tinge of stress and the balance tipping towards neutrality. That's how i would describe this feeling - Sialo.

I felt it this morning. It was peaceful...like i said, tipping towards neutrality. But there were things i was feeling or thinking at the back of my mind.
I had nothing to be happy about or excited about. I was not feeling anything positive.

Now the day has progressed. I felt an array of emotions since sialo.
It was a heightened sialo...all those - disappointment, fear, stress were more. Frustration was added. Satisfaction with self was added. And now here i am, feeling - hopeful (that my day will now be chill), wondering (what to do, what will be best to do), a tad lonely (i miss Savannah and our talks about love and life), a tiny bit of disappointment (that i have to work sunday). No more fear or stress. All tipping to neutrality. Because there is a level of acceptance.

How i live my days

So it began on monday.
Man i miss my sundays. It is like, come what may throughout the week but give me my sundays. But residency....
So on monday, it was a hectic day. Got me frustrated. Because i wanted to rest after the trek.
And then i made a big mistake on tuesday morning.
Faced it's music the entire day. Struggled with why don't i enjoy work more.
Fell asleep.
The next day was full of work. I would say this week was about learning to cope with toxic seniors.
Then came yesterday, it was work, gym and chill.
That was my entire week. Work, gym, chill...for the most part.
This is how i spend my days. And this is how i live my life. And i like it. I am doing super productive nobel work, i take care of my body, i eat good food.

Mon. chicken mayo sandwich; sections and abscesses
Tue. jagdamba; whipples
Wed. thalipeeth dhirda; drug overdose in a baby; back biceps
Thur. chicken chilly; incomplete reversal and pgp; legs
Fri. today; thinking of drinking; baby laparotomy

See, i spend my days beautifully. I love my life.

I am just thinking...what when i have a family...how will i spend my days then and will they still be this beautiful. I think they will more beautiful. Let us see. And let us not worry about it now. Now is beautiful.

Post trek

We started the trek. Freezing. Feeling little but excited. Just going forward.
The power of the moonlight stunned me. I did not know it could be this powerful. It was like....so bright. We didn't need torches.

So I'm back from a spectacular trek. Those landscapes and the bonfire. The maggi. The moonlight and stars and city lights. Those floating mountain ranges. That sunrise. Will forever be with me. Meeting new people too. Knowing about lives beyond the hospital.
What a physical test it is. What an example of how every step matters. Of how your breath matters. Of how amazing we humans are. And what we are capable of. Knowing you can do it. Increases self confidence. Proud of myself . look back and cannot believe i climbed it..that i was on the top..that is so so far. At the top cannot believe i came all that way. Super me. Treks really shape you up. I feel my muscles. Better posture. Physical self confidence. My body can take lots of stuff. It's the mind that needs to be strong.

I feel tired. Slight apprehension about tomorrow right now. Will it be cool. Can i stay home. I have to study too. Shhhh.. relax. It is not that scary and complicated. Listen to yourself.
You will make it through. You will have fun no matter what it is. And calls are fun and not to mention a great oppurtunity to study and do personal development. Thank god i have call tomorrow. It would have been a waste to study on a holiday. And i have pgp on tuesday.

Checking in

Right...i feel weird...lost...
Or so i think.
So i am here, in hope to get some clarity.
I am going to begin with -
What are you feeling right now?
I want to sleep.
I feel like i have many things to do but i am not doing anything.

Truth is?
I woke up...late. Got ready. Rushed to do cases. Did that. And have been working in the ot since then. The same. Tolerating some irritating colleagues. And finding getaways. Or more interesting things to so. Chilling that is my work. Boss.

Certainty...that is what I'm looking for. So let me rewind. Sunday...off day. Monday. Gym. Roll. Chill. Sleep.
Tuesday. Gym.
Wed. Call. With neha. Roll.
Thurs. Study only.
Fri. Chill. Gym.
Sat. Today.
It has been a good week. What am i thinking?
How come rewinding like this seems to help me. Just reninds me that am i doing shit. I am living. Not existing.

Today i will be going to a night trek today. I feel fear. As i do with everything. But i want to see how this goes. What difficulties i encounter and how i deal with them.
I also hope be fully present and emjoy the experience.

I feel like it's been ages since i gave self development some time. Hoping to make sunday about that.

Just had an insight - "Life is just that! About learning to enjoying the experience, whatever you are doing, and realizing it. That is why reflection is important. You need to realize what felt good and what didn't."

When i woke up

It was like - "i am awake, there is a section, something is wrong." I just decided it. I thought it and decided it was true and i felt it. Was anything actually wrong? No. I have a beautiful life. A beautiful family, loved ones, a superb career. I was on call. I even got sleep. Really. Nothing is or was wrong.
Right now...i feel excited about the day. How will it pan out. I am not on call today so i have some time to do other stuff. But i have to study for tomorrow. So, no. Looking forward to study.

Ah..life

Just feeling like letting out some steam.
Him. God. Everytime i remember the photograph of him and her, married, i feel weird...i can't describe what i feel. I can put down my thoughts though. "That could've been me. But may be it is for the best that it is not me. In fact i know it is best that it is not me.", "am i prettier than her?", "does he think about me at all".
I feel like all these are natural thoughts of mine. And i know they are immature. But i can't seem to not be able to think them. I also wish for him to be sad. Because he chose the rich girl. I would have done the same. But still, it makes him a coward and also un-wise. Overall, i think i am just going to force the yogi thoughts. Since they are not coming naturally. So..."they look good together, i think they will make a good couple. I hope he is happy." Man, that was forced. "He has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has done nothing that i myself wouldn't do. Just because things aren't working out for you doesn't mean you be jealous of others and wish ill for them. Grow up." Yes, he is immature. He did ignore me. And you reacted to that. Instead of communicating. It is on you too now. Communicating is hard for him too. Just know he did nothing wrong. He is immature. He just isn't meant to be a part of your life.

Coming to daily work. It is like. Run run run for your life or be scolded and be a slacker. Then be treated like a donkey. Do this and then do that. And then that and then that. And be scolded at for not doing anything very wrong. It is just some seniors who scold unnecessarily. Try to steal breaks. And return to room after this mayhem of scolds and rush and work with some more pending work and chores. And a wish to just relax.
How do i cope. I think it is a way of looking at it. And also some action is required. A combination of change of perception and action. Let's talk about action. Firstly reach on time. Do a pre op round. Then do your case. Help around in the ot. One thing after another. Finally do a post op and a pre op too if you have time. So yes, if you don't work which you should if you want to learn, you will be scolded. Be sincere and then you get the right to not tolerate other nonsense.
And a perception change being that it is not work work work and scoldings. It is doing cases and helping out in the ot.
I used to remind myself of my role models...kalyani and Ashwini maam. How they come to the ot and do cases and behave. Be like them.

I feel so guilty of not eaten right. Of eaten too much. Large portions. Need to enjoy food. And watch what I'm eating. Also cutting myself some slack. I am doing the best i can.

Making sense of "being in the photo"

I am still trying to sell it to myself. Why is being there better than looking at a stunning photograph of it? I feel...sheer awe at the beauty of the place looking at the picture. I feel...like it os too beautiful to be real. I feel...good when i see it.
What about when i am there...i feel pretty much the same......i feel the physical aspect of it...the added experiences of other sense...i also feel any physical discomfort that comes along with it...the 'getting there' experience plus discomfort is also there. I think...being there is an "experience" while looking at it's picture is...a dream...a fantasy...no...but...it's not an experience for sure. So what is it...it is just looking. Looking and feeling good vs feeling and feeling good. If that makes any sense. The latter is a more magnified feeling good but it comes with it's price. It also comes with growth. What do you want?
Do you want to feel good...do you know how good you are capable of feeling? Do you want to settle for looking and feeling good? That is the question. Do you want to settle?