Yesterday evening was an interesting one. It reminded me of the old days. Not the good old days, the bad old days. The days when i would frolick, very conveniently ignoring the studying at hand, believing it will get done. But rarely did it. And then would come the wave of guilt and self disgust. I was doing the same yesterday. But i am wiser now. I realized quickly that i was falling into that pattern. And i wish could say that but i acted kind of half heartedly. What could have been done in 2.5 hours maximum turned into 3.5 hours something.
I have another pearl of wisdom i recently realized which works for what happened yesterday -
Do what you have to do 'properly' 'once'. Or spend more time and energy doing the same thing.
So true. Works for little day to day things too.
But simply the fact that i devoted an entire evening to studies made me feel good. It was a good evening. Making a presentation whilst sipping hot herbal tea on my bed...a picture that seems like it is out of some movie.
I dreamt a violent dream that night, attributed it to a thriller i saw before going to sleep.
Then came the 3rd of February. Woke up longing for the weekend. But showed up anyway. Yay me! It was call day.
There was a Valentin saga that evening. His behaviour is...i want to say mean but I'll say weird. He does not want to talk to me, does not want to look at me, he wants to ignore me. And i would be fine with this if, if he maintained this attitude. Just a few days before yesterday, he enquired after me, told me news, began conversation with me. Why such confusing behaviour? Do i deserve to be treated like this? It is funny how with him my questions remain the same, no matter what our position is. It is always about whether i deserve to be treated the way he does. The fact is that his actions still matter to me. Such behaviour from another guy would not mean this much to me. Funny. My thinking is that i gave too much importance to this guy for too long. And it is not going to go away overnight. The old me would not have thought this way. The oldest me would have said "i still love him", the older me would have said "if these are the feelings i am feeling then this must mean i still love him". Now i say "these feelings are old conditioning. He is not an important person in my life anymore."
I wonder how far off am i from the old age kind of wisdom. Does this make my aim- "to be wiser for my years."
Valentin has gone to a music festival i always wanted to go to and he will be meeting his fiance over there, a position i wanted to have. How does that make me feel? I want to say jealous of that girl. And i think i am, just a little bit. Because really, whether or not Valentin will make a good partner is a question i cannot answer. May he will, may be he won't. There is no way to know. So overall, i am reqlly okay with it. A tad bit sad, jealous but full of understanding and wishing for a romantic partner. Even though, i do not know why o want a romantic partner anyway. My life is pretty damn perfect right now.
I was so stressed yesterday night, over whether i will be able to get a good sleep. And anybody trying to get in the way was a villain. I went to sleep with call related worry and Valentin confusion.
Here is another pearl of wisdom -
"Be good to everyone, by everyone i really mean everyone. You never whose help you need. And do not believe that you do not need help, you are only human."
"Give people a little part of yourself and they are yours forever."
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