All about him, more about him and more

Oh my god, what was that i felt. I was told that he posted cases today. Last two emergencies were with him. I was kind of looking forward to our post- talk face off. But there were no cases.
And today he posts two cases, right when the rules change and i am posted in the icu instead of the ot. Also he did not inform me the cases. Crazy....
Also it was so fucking clear that we are literally hiding from each other. He sees me and runs away. I see him and do the same. Even though i don't mean to. Crazy...
I did not want things to be like this in between us. I want is to be friends. I would have liked him to be the pebbles in my life. Not the sand.
Let us see how it goes. Because we are going to have to face each other, sooner or later. I don't like how immaturely he behaves. Like, grow up man.
What surprised me was how i felt after i heard he was where i was supposed to be and that he did not tell me. I felt this...sadness. A dejavu, of old feelings, when i wanted to see him. Also hurt, that he is avoiding me.
But i was resilient about it. Because i know these feelings are a result of automated thoughts that are real shitty interpretations of the facts. Because he is a dead end...a end that is dead. I have done my part there.
Let us try to dissect this out.
Fact. He did two cases today. He did not tell me.
Interpretation. He deliberately posted them today because he knew i was not there. He is trying to avoid me.
Feeling. Hurt. Sad.

Alter interpretation. He does not decide to post cases. He knew you were in the icu so he did not tell you. He may be avoiding you. But so what, he rejected you. It is going to be awkward between both of you. You knew it. He is not mature enough to handle it coolly. You knew it. What else did you expect.
Feeling. Acceptance. Peace.

I will still try to be mature, handle it maturely and most importantly, communicate.

In other news, i notice a certain behaviour of mine. I sometimes pretend to be innocent to entertain others. Kind of nauseating...this behaviour of mine. Be authentic, genuine...is what i stand for.

There is just so much to learn. It is never-ending. Deal with it. Keep at it.