Whirlwind

Trailed off into sleep world yesterday just as I was typing. Over 36 hours of activity, what did I expect.
I also took a step in the direction to improve daddy's health. I always get so caught up in work. And the nature of residency is such. But you know, it is about priorities and striking a balance. You decide, only you.
Seems like a whirlwind, the past...36 hours...especially for me, who needs a purge every 6 hours apparently.
Lets talk about right now. A break, is what I want. A break to have all my chores done, to be in a position to just binge watch tv for a whole day. Talk about balance! There are just to many things to do. I can't seem to put a finger on what I want. 
It feels great when you save a life. It was super exhausting to attend the icu call from the ot at 4 am. But the appreciation i received in return and the feeling of saving the patient made it worth while.
I took advantage of being a senior. And it felt good too.
I am also really glad with the way a handled my post call schedule by hitting to gym asap and then rejuvenating my body along with doing some chores. Although i would have loved to have more time to refresh my mind too.
One thing i realized, Dale Carnegie was so right. You have to be diplomatic and gentle in this world. Quarelling really doesn't cut it. I was pissed with the way some obgy surgeons talking and behaving yesterday and I kind of reflected it. But immediately regretted it.
Feeling stressed off late. Too much to do.
Which brings us to today and the sudden icu duty. I never liked icu duties for some reason. I think i associate it with nothing or time wastage.
I worry about how i am going to study.
I worry about losing oppurtunities.
I worry for daddy's health.
Surprisingly i don't worry about not finding love.

The call; priorities

The daily call from home, is everything to me, I just realized. I just imagined it. Not getting that call. The very thought, that.....I don't want to say it, it will deeply sadden me...I don't know, i don't know what it will do. I don't want to know.
But this realization just made me more grateful to my parents, my life. I love them, so much.
How fortunate am i, really! To be loved this much and be showered with so much wealth and health. My life is AMAZING.
I miss Polo...i miss my parents.
Funny how i am also glad i don't stay with them anymore. Funny how i deliberately don't answer their calls. Because i am out doing things they don't approve. Oh, and they don't approve of too many fucking things. Or because i just don't want them to get used to me answering their calls. They should be able to live without me...without me talking to them daily. They do, need to let me go.
I have once again been putting of the most important thing to me at the moment, daddy's health...................hhgcaiicwhj

Time out; the meet after the talk

So, it has been six hours. Yes, it has. Ten hours to be precise. Checking in.
Took my time today morning. Called up my workplace and said I didn't feel well, that I had stomach ache. Truth is I really didn't feel well but not because I needed physical rest. I needed time, time for my mind. "Me time." To just remind myself why I am doing what I'm doing, what I need to do...blah blah.
Felt good taking that time. Although i was judged for it. And i am sure many suspected i was faking my illness. But i decided to go ahead anyway. I come first. I am important.
Since then life has been a whirlwind of work. Constant and strenuous. I often felt like questioning my work. Funny i never felt like this in my ortho posting. May be it was because he was there. May be it was because it was chill.
At any rate, it feels good to be conscious like this. Actually, now that I think about it, i did feel lost many a times even last posting. The only difference is that this time, i question work, the sequence of work, the actions of work. Last month, i questioned my direction.
But i know, one look at my purpose, that i have thought and defined for myself and i will be clear. But i do need to remind myself of it.

Then i had a lovely time with my friends. A good talk, good food, happiness. One thing, you have to have like minded people to have a good time. You cannot have a good time if you know someone in the group is down. Which supports my claim that friend circles should be small, but plenty.

And then, oh my god and then, we met. We met for the first time after our talk. And it is awkward in a very comfortable way. Weird, right! We saw each other. He looked away. Clean shaven, he looked cute, as always. I came closer and literally asked my question to thin air, but he knew it was for him. He gestured an answer. Didn't speak it out. I smiled weirdly and left. The thing is that, not talking this time and the awkwardness this time was for a reason, known to both of us.
Previously it was me, trying to talk to him and him refusing to and then me wondering about it. Not anymore. This is good. Wish i had done it sooner. And this, is how, we learn.
How crazy is it, that we must learn through our mistakes. That we must make them, to learn.
I really love dissecting my life out like this. Why does everybody not do it? It is such a purge, puts me in another state.

Looking at the sky

Oh them feels....when I look at the sky...
how very vast you are
how very beautiful you are
how great you are
that you let little me
feel so very great instead.

How great you are
a home to those drifting clouds
and those twinkling stars
and that mighty moon.

Oh and why
do you let them
get between our love.
My love is true
i do not wish
for my life
to take me away from
looking at you.

But the night will pass
and the moon will rise and fall,
the stars will disappear
and you will change,
leaving me feeling empty
for i will be the same
and your love will have gone.
So i must
go back to my life
where love will be just the same
night or day.

Yet my love,
how great you are...
oh how you make me feel
just looking at you....the sky.

...........

Looking at the sky...laying in bed, cozy with my blanket and looking at the sky, the clouds drifting, the stars twinkling, the moon rising - has got to be one of my most favorite things to do ever. Oh did I forget, music...with my headphones on and my favorite music playing or a good read in my hand.
And as time passes I think, why does this chemistry I have with the sky have to end, why does life have to get between us...me and the sky.
How very vast is this universe, I think, looking at the sky. How very beautiful is this universe! So magical...
Looking at the sky makes me feel, makes me think, makes me mindful.
I see myself from the sky. A girl laying in bed, on her phone, getting ready to go to work, walking to her workplace, having hopes and fears. To her, that is reality, her life, her home and her workplace, her dreams and fears. But really, she is just a girl walking to her workplace.

True Love

Does true love exist at all? I am talking about love that is beyond blood. With your family, I feel like the love is just inherently unconditional. I have seen it and felt it, I don't doubt it. But when it comes to love beyond that, romantic love, I have seen nothing but despair. I know, most will say I have not seen enough. But somebody, just tell me it exists?
I only see marriages saved by the birth of children, young couples lasting until the novelty lasts, couples staying together because they just must...does true love exist at all?
While we are on the subject, I just want to take a moment to try and define this complex emotion.
Love is when you look at that person and feel like, "I just want this person to be happy forever, I am willing to do anything for this person, my life without this person will remain incomplete." That is what I think is love. 

Sacrifices

Would you make a sacrifice for someone you love even though that person is not going to acknowledge it at all? Even though that sacrifice really hurts you? What if it is always you who is sacrificing?
I feel like I have been doing this for very long. And I know being like this has hurt me and made me bitter. But isn't doing this selfless, altruistic and fulfilling? I'm confused.
Oh the paradoxes of life...I hate them. Let me change that to - oh, how interesting they are! Because perception is everything. This much I have learnt.
What if the person you love is difficult and toxic? What do you do? I think you decide if the relationship is worth it. If the sacrifice of your energy in dealing with the toxicity is worth it.
Relationships, is undoubtedly the most difficult area of life to figure out.

Distance

Isn't it crazy how sometimes, this one person totally captivates you. You cannot stop thinking about that person. That person drives you crazy. It is almost like that person becomes your gravity. You cannot bear the thought of separation. It saddens you. You ignore or justify anything that you don't like about that person.
But then something happens and you are in a new place with new people. You meet another person who blows you off your feet. And the memory of the person before slowly starts to fade away. You wonder why you felt what you felt in the very first place.
I just think, this is so insane and tragic. Don't you?
How something that means so much can just fade away. Just like that. Just by distance.