Waking to "Bharat humko jaan se pyaara hain" playing on loudspeakers. Feeling proud to be Indian, for a bit.
Having the luxury of curling up inside a double blanket and sleeping for two more hours.
Poori, batata rassa bhaaji, masala bhaat, sheera for lunch in tiffin.
Ra D's "I'm In Love" on repeat mode post lunch.
The sweetest thing ever happened today. It was raining. All mud and rain everywhere. And i wanted to buy some lemons. But didn't want to get out my car. So i parked next to the vegetable seller and asked him if he would give me some. The vegetable seller's son brought them to me. I said "thank you". And he replied "welcome", with the sweetest smile. So did the vegetable seller. And i was filled with warmth. Faith in humanity magnified.
Hard choices are precious oppurtunities to celebrate the human condition. It is in the space of hard choices that we have the power to create reasons for ourselves to become the distinctive people that we are.
Reflect on which alternative you can put your agency behind, which one you can be for.
One is not better than the other, both are at par. But which one would suit you best, which one would you rather become, or be for.
I had to decide whether to take management seat or repeat a year. Would i rather be a child who uses her parent's money or someone who works hard. Would i rather waste one year of my life?
It is not that one option was better than the other. Both were at par. But i became the person who would rather not waste one year of her life. And boy am i glad i made that decision (that my parent's made that decision for me.)
I had to decide whether to spend my evening at the gym or studying. Would i rather be a fit girl or a smart girl taking into consideration that i already gym thrice a week and do not study even once a week. So would i rather be a girl for taking easy options or difficult ones. I weigh the pros and cons. And both seem at par. So rephrase, would i
Work out and relax my body and muscles and look forward to a relaxed evening of food and entertainment after a day of work OR
Study for my exam next year to gain knowledge for my career and answer well to my seniors and then spend some more time exercising.
What would you put your agency behind. Who do you want to become. Will you be a drifter. Will you take a choice you are not for.
So if i am for fitness and health but i decide to eat cake for an entire week, what does that make me? What will happen?
Someone is not integral. Someone who not in control of their life. Who letting life control them. Who is not the author of their life. But letting life be the author. And what is so wrong with that? I think it will put you in conflict. It puts your mind in conflict when you are not integral. And that is an pleasant feeling. And soon you will have deal with consequences of your choice. And you will not be prepared for those consequences. Because you were never 'for' that choice. And then you will be sad. And you will know that you have made the wrong choice.
Bingo.
My favourite playlist running. Me, all alone in my room in only bare essentials. I'm doing my chores. Dancing on between. Having a "good" time. Body well rested and well fed. I'm taking good care of myself. Truly blessed.
I have been on my bed for eleven hours now. It has been cloudy and rainy for days now. It is drizzling. The weather is pleasantly chill. I am super cosy in my soft blanket and pillows. I look forward to delicious food. And a day full of entertainment and enlightenment. Truly blessed. Thank you.
It has been a long time since i sat down and reflected on what has been going on in my life, most importantly, on what has been going on in my mind.
Our mind functions so fast and with such automaticity based on our interpretations and beliefs and habits. We fail to see the truth so many times.
So i want to just stop for sometime, kind of like hitting pause on life, and just reflect.
This week, has been a good one.
My focus this week was on the guy at the gym. My new hero. Very plainly put, i have a crush on him. So he has been 'making' my days. That also gives him the power to 'break' my days. But he has not done that so far.
My thoughts have been predominantly filled with him. I am just basking in this feeling. I know for a fact nothing serious is ever going to happen here.
It has been nice, looking good for him, chaning my times for him and all. I should not get carried away.
The thing that stressed me out the most this week was making the duty list for next month. I didn't know what i wanted and i wanted to be selfish. It was a mess. But i learnt my lessons.
1. Think ahead strategically. Make decisions and execute.
2. Know what you want.
I have been very conveniently ignoring studies. I notice how i just don't study if there is no pressure. Well, study. That is all i can say to myself.
Have i been feeling any negativity? I don't think so. Not on a consistent basis anyway. May be some frustration at work or some stress at a particular time or some frustration over time being wasted with friends. Basically i have been busy this week. And if your mind has food then it is not an empty vessel. And we know that empty vessels make most noise.
So, my week in a nutshell-
Monday - post call, pre holiday, alone, can't remember what i did in the ot, bought a cooler, ate Mc Donalds, was yum, was tired.
Tuesday - ADSIB, slept, ate chinese, couldn't sleep at night, acclimitizing to summer.
Wednesday - busy day, pediatric ot, can't remember specifically, ortho case went on into the evening, i was unjustly made to stay, gym, hot shower, good food, extremely tired.
Thursday - pre call, do not remeber ot, gym, he saw me in red top, felt so happy, good food, tired.
Friday - CALL. busy with cases and timetable. Learnt the importance of PAC. Tired. Slept.
Saturday - yesterday, urethroplasty, lap chole, lpj, learnt writing notes, gym, he saw me with wet hair, happy, out with friends, did not enjoy the company, but saw some live music, good food, tired.
Sunday - TODAY. CALL. Apprehension - will there be cases.
Some interesting questions i should ponder over -
1. Do i not consider worthy of luxuries?
2. Why do i need approval or acknowledgement from a hot guy for my beauty or worthiness.
So it is sunday evening and i want to talk about feelings.
My day was frustrating because i was hoping for a chill day and it was a heavy day. Lots of work. I am now hoping for a chill night. Hopes squandered. Leads to disappointment. And frustration.
Being aware of how your mind is working is so important.
Throwback to last sunday. I slept by 10 something. I was back from a trek. Last month i had so many adsibs. This month i have one. It's okay.
I feel uncertain today. This newness is getting to me.
I am not doing anything. First time i got some free time since morning. And i want to talk to myself.
Anyway friday night i had a lot of fun with friends. We ate good food, drank good stuff and had good talks.
Also on friday i did an abdominal lump pediatric laparotomy.
Then saturday was another hectic ot day. 2 cases on my own in ga. Was fun controlling them. Then the gym.
I seem to be having a lot of fun at the gym looking at that guy. Just love the way he looks.
This is how i spend my days. And this is how i spend my life. My life is beautiful.
A tinge of disappointment, a tinge of fear, a tinge of stress and the balance tipping towards neutrality. That's how i would describe this feeling - Sialo.
I felt it this morning. It was peaceful...like i said, tipping towards neutrality. But there were things i was feeling or thinking at the back of my mind.
I had nothing to be happy about or excited about. I was not feeling anything positive.
Now the day has progressed. I felt an array of emotions since sialo.
It was a heightened sialo...all those - disappointment, fear, stress were more. Frustration was added. Satisfaction with self was added. And now here i am, feeling - hopeful (that my day will now be chill), wondering (what to do, what will be best to do), a tad lonely (i miss Savannah and our talks about love and life), a tiny bit of disappointment (that i have to work sunday). No more fear or stress. All tipping to neutrality. Because there is a level of acceptance.
So it began on monday.
Man i miss my sundays. It is like, come what may throughout the week but give me my sundays. But residency....
So on monday, it was a hectic day. Got me frustrated. Because i wanted to rest after the trek.
And then i made a big mistake on tuesday morning.
Faced it's music the entire day. Struggled with why don't i enjoy work more.
Fell asleep.
The next day was full of work. I would say this week was about learning to cope with toxic seniors.
Then came yesterday, it was work, gym and chill.
That was my entire week. Work, gym, chill...for the most part.
This is how i spend my days. And this is how i live my life. And i like it. I am doing super productive nobel work, i take care of my body, i eat good food.
Mon. chicken mayo sandwich; sections and abscesses
Tue. jagdamba; whipples
Wed. thalipeeth dhirda; drug overdose in a baby; back biceps
Thur. chicken chilly; incomplete reversal and pgp; legs
Fri. today; thinking of drinking; baby laparotomy
See, i spend my days beautifully. I love my life.
I am just thinking...what when i have a family...how will i spend my days then and will they still be this beautiful. I think they will more beautiful. Let us see. And let us not worry about it now. Now is beautiful.
We started the trek. Freezing. Feeling little but excited. Just going forward.
The power of the moonlight stunned me. I did not know it could be this powerful. It was like....so bright. We didn't need torches.
So I'm back from a spectacular trek. Those landscapes and the bonfire. The maggi. The moonlight and stars and city lights. Those floating mountain ranges. That sunrise. Will forever be with me. Meeting new people too. Knowing about lives beyond the hospital.
What a physical test it is. What an example of how every step matters. Of how your breath matters. Of how amazing we humans are. And what we are capable of. Knowing you can do it. Increases self confidence. Proud of myself . look back and cannot believe i climbed it..that i was on the top..that is so so far. At the top cannot believe i came all that way. Super me. Treks really shape you up. I feel my muscles. Better posture. Physical self confidence. My body can take lots of stuff. It's the mind that needs to be strong.
I feel tired. Slight apprehension about tomorrow right now. Will it be cool. Can i stay home. I have to study too. Shhhh.. relax. It is not that scary and complicated. Listen to yourself.
You will make it through. You will have fun no matter what it is. And calls are fun and not to mention a great oppurtunity to study and do personal development. Thank god i have call tomorrow. It would have been a waste to study on a holiday. And i have pgp on tuesday.
Right...i feel weird...lost...
Or so i think.
So i am here, in hope to get some clarity.
I am going to begin with -
What are you feeling right now?
I want to sleep.
I feel like i have many things to do but i am not doing anything.
Truth is?
I woke up...late. Got ready. Rushed to do cases. Did that. And have been working in the ot since then. The same. Tolerating some irritating colleagues. And finding getaways. Or more interesting things to so. Chilling that is my work. Boss.
Certainty...that is what I'm looking for. So let me rewind. Sunday...off day. Monday. Gym. Roll. Chill. Sleep.
Tuesday. Gym.
Wed. Call. With neha. Roll.
Thurs. Study only.
Fri. Chill. Gym.
Sat. Today.
It has been a good week. What am i thinking?
How come rewinding like this seems to help me. Just reninds me that am i doing shit. I am living. Not existing.
Today i will be going to a night trek today. I feel fear. As i do with everything. But i want to see how this goes. What difficulties i encounter and how i deal with them.
I also hope be fully present and emjoy the experience.
I feel like it's been ages since i gave self development some time. Hoping to make sunday about that.
Just had an insight - "Life is just that! About learning to enjoying the experience, whatever you are doing, and realizing it. That is why reflection is important. You need to realize what felt good and what didn't."
It was like - "i am awake, there is a section, something is wrong." I just decided it. I thought it and decided it was true and i felt it. Was anything actually wrong? No. I have a beautiful life. A beautiful family, loved ones, a superb career. I was on call. I even got sleep. Really. Nothing is or was wrong.
Right now...i feel excited about the day. How will it pan out. I am not on call today so i have some time to do other stuff. But i have to study for tomorrow. So, no. Looking forward to study.
Just feeling like letting out some steam.
Him. God. Everytime i remember the photograph of him and her, married, i feel weird...i can't describe what i feel. I can put down my thoughts though. "That could've been me. But may be it is for the best that it is not me. In fact i know it is best that it is not me.", "am i prettier than her?", "does he think about me at all".
I feel like all these are natural thoughts of mine. And i know they are immature. But i can't seem to not be able to think them. I also wish for him to be sad. Because he chose the rich girl. I would have done the same. But still, it makes him a coward and also un-wise. Overall, i think i am just going to force the yogi thoughts. Since they are not coming naturally. So..."they look good together, i think they will make a good couple. I hope he is happy." Man, that was forced. "He has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has done nothing that i myself wouldn't do. Just because things aren't working out for you doesn't mean you be jealous of others and wish ill for them. Grow up." Yes, he is immature. He did ignore me. And you reacted to that. Instead of communicating. It is on you too now. Communicating is hard for him too. Just know he did nothing wrong. He is immature. He just isn't meant to be a part of your life.
Coming to daily work. It is like. Run run run for your life or be scolded and be a slacker. Then be treated like a donkey. Do this and then do that. And then that and then that. And be scolded at for not doing anything very wrong. It is just some seniors who scold unnecessarily. Try to steal breaks. And return to room after this mayhem of scolds and rush and work with some more pending work and chores. And a wish to just relax.
How do i cope. I think it is a way of looking at it. And also some action is required. A combination of change of perception and action. Let's talk about action. Firstly reach on time. Do a pre op round. Then do your case. Help around in the ot. One thing after another. Finally do a post op and a pre op too if you have time. So yes, if you don't work which you should if you want to learn, you will be scolded. Be sincere and then you get the right to not tolerate other nonsense.
And a perception change being that it is not work work work and scoldings. It is doing cases and helping out in the ot.
I used to remind myself of my role models...kalyani and Ashwini maam. How they come to the ot and do cases and behave. Be like them.
I feel so guilty of not eaten right. Of eaten too much. Large portions. Need to enjoy food. And watch what I'm eating. Also cutting myself some slack. I am doing the best i can.
I am still trying to sell it to myself. Why is being there better than looking at a stunning photograph of it? I feel...sheer awe at the beauty of the place looking at the picture. I feel...like it os too beautiful to be real. I feel...good when i see it.
What about when i am there...i feel pretty much the same......i feel the physical aspect of it...the added experiences of other sense...i also feel any physical discomfort that comes along with it...the 'getting there' experience plus discomfort is also there. I think...being there is an "experience" while looking at it's picture is...a dream...a fantasy...no...but...it's not an experience for sure. So what is it...it is just looking. Looking and feeling good vs feeling and feeling good. If that makes any sense. The latter is a more magnified feeling good but it comes with it's price. It also comes with growth. What do you want?
Do you want to feel good...do you know how good you are capable of feeling? Do you want to settle for looking and feeling good? That is the question. Do you want to settle?
Stimulation is not bad, i realize. It is...well...activites...things that make our day and hence our lives. And in between the stimuli lies the "being with my thoughts". And that isn't bad or good or anything either. It is just thinking. Multiple thoughts of all varieties will pop up, come and go, ebb and flow.
The thing is...just being with thoughts can be uncomfortable if you have been with prolonged stimulation. And it is an important part. Because it is kind of an assessment or realization of the stimuli. Both are important. None is complete without the other, i feel.
Balance.
.....
I come into my room after a 36 hour shift...and my hand reaches for my cell phone to turn on music. It is almost like i can't take the silence after all the happenings. But i stop myself and just lie for a while, instead. Then after sometime, i feel "turned down". It's like that. Getting worked up and then turning down.
.....
......
I am the only one who feels this way. Do i think too much. Am i mad. Am i going mad.
Some of my thoughts-
This is different. I am not used to being in this room, at this time. It feels different.
What am i going to do for dinner.
Should i study.
I want to research mental health.
I want to watch a movie.
Tomorrow is monday, ot day.
Will he be there tomorrow.
I wanted to do some room chores.
I have been judging my thoughts. Mostly as bad.
I am not doing anything. I am just being with my thoughts. Different thoughts are coming and going.
I have nothing to be happy, going to rephrase that as excited for.
I have nothing to be sad about.
My mood is neutral.
It is like either you are doing some activity or you are not. When you are, it is no problem, you are lost in it. But when you are not, you are left, left with just your thoughts. And you can go interpreting them in many ways, you can go judging them. Just be aware of this.
It was a good day, I'd say. Busy in it's own way. Need to work on my social skills. Need to study. But again chose not to today. Be aware of this too. You are willingly making a choice to procrastinate studies.
Once again, my mood is...no...i would say it has dipped. It is dipping into fear. Fear of being disturbed at night.
Do not fear my love. It is okay. Even if you are it is okay. You will make it.
Tomorrow morning, i know, i know myself, I'm going to wake up not wanting to wake up. Wishing to sleep in. Feeling like work is becoming too much. Truth is work is not too much. Sleep is a little less.
I can sleep earlier. That will make sleep an important priority. And for me it is. I should know this about myself.
Insight - " prioritize. Weigh the risk benefits. "
I was thinking about my life purpose. And i realized i needed some thinking to do. I need to see myself ten years from now, clearly. Yes, when i thought about this i was not doing anesthesia. It can be defined more so, now.
"Just stop and look around. Just look. Your life is pretty pretty damn amazing. Like something out of a mocie scene. Like art. Be grateful. Be happy. Realize."
